有请下一位表演者 Keep it going for the next performer,
我兄弟 库米尔·南贾尼先生 my man, Mr. Kumail Nanjiani.
你好 Hello.
我说说我自己 Um, I'll tell you about myself.
我在巴基斯坦长大 I grew up in Pakistan.
人们总是问我 And people are always asking me,
那是什么感觉？ "What was that like?"
真的与此没什么不同 Really not that different from here.
我们玩板球 I mean, we played cricket,
一种加了香料的棒球 which is just a spicier version of baseball.
我们常祈祷 And we prayed a lot.
也不是很多 一天五次 Well, not a lot. Just five times a day.
父母早为我们找好了结婚对象 And we marry someone our parents find for us,
包办婚姻 你知道吗？ arranged marriage, you know?
但对我来说就是晚看 But, for me, it was probably that we got episodes
“霹雳游侠”美剧 稍晚一点 of Knight Rider a little bit later.
“稍晚一点”的意思是 And by "little bit later, "
我们才看到第二集 I mean, we just got episode two.
但除此之外 完全一样 But other than that, it was exactly the same.
【大 病】
∮ Somethin's wrong 'cause my mind is fading ∮
∮ And everywhere I look there's a dead end waiting ∮
∮ Temperature's dropping at the rotten oasis ∮
∮ Stealing kisses from the leprous faces ∮
∮ Got a devil's haircut in my mind ∮
这些都是我真正的日记 So, these are my real journals, honestly.
这是女作者 And this is the woman who wrote them.
可怜的姑娘 Poor gal.
她完全不知道 Yeah. She She has no idea that, like,
巨型乳房即将发芽 giant titties are about to sprout
并戏剧性地 改变她的生活 and change her life dramatically.
所以 谢谢你们 So, uh, thank you, guys
没有糟糕的观众 伙计 只有糟糕的喜剧演员 There's no bad crowds, dude, only bad comedians.
你总是抱怨观众 You complain about the crowd, like, all the time.
就像他们 真的很糟糕 Yeah, like, that's when they're really bad.
起码90％的时间 他们真的很糟糕 That's, like, 90% of the time they're really bad.
听着 你能关照我 今晚给我提示 Look, will you just watch and give me notes tonight?
好吗？ All right?
如果我们相互提示 绝对好 If we both give each other notes, I think it helps.
你的提示只是在段子乱添“操” Your notes are just, "Add more fucks into the bit."
- 对谁都没用 -“操” 是一个趣味词 - That doesn't help anybody. - Hey, fuck's a funny word.
开始软 最后硬 It's soft on the top, and it's hard on the end.
真可怕 That was truly horrible.
- 太糟糕了 - 发生什么事了？ - That was so bad. - What happened?
- 关照一下 - 我会的 还给你提示 - Just watch. - I'll watch, give you notes.
- 好吗 谢谢 - 嘿 太棒了 - All right. Thank you. - Hey, that was great.
不 他都没笑 No, he didn't even crack a smile.
- 我以为我要吐了 - 谁？ - I thought I was gonna puke. - Who?
鲍勃·达勒万 Bob Dalavan.
谁是鲍勃·达勒万？ Who's Bob Dalavan?
鲍伯·达勒万 为蒙特利尔喜剧节工作 Bob Dalavan works for the Montreal Comedy Festival,
你个傻蛋 you fucking doof.
- 他在这里？ - 是的 - He's here? - Yes.
你不想被注意吗？ Don't you want to get noticed?
你不想搬到洛杉矾去吗？ Don't you want to move to L.A.?
天哪 和以利亚·伍德混？ Hang out with Elijah Wood, and shit?
没人上台？ Nobody's on stage?
没有 No.
他可能在制造可卡因 He might've been doing cocaine.
制造可卡因 因为好玩？ Was he doing cocaine recreationally?
真瘾君子 True cokehead.
- 瘾君子 - 我怀疑他是 - Cocaine. - I wonder if he was.
现在 在我猜出下一个家伙前 Now, before I bring out the next guy,
今晚是吉露果子冻之夜 星期二 you guys know tonight is Jell-O shot Tuesday!
我们都知道八发果冻杯后会怎样 And we all know what happens after eight Jell-O shots.
会尿自己一身 岖吐 We urinate all over ourselves and puke.
好吧 所以我要请出下一位演员 Okay, so I'm gonna bring up the next comic.
- 信心 风度 - 这个人 - Confidence. Poise. - You know this man.
欢迎 克里斯·琼斯先生 Give it up for Mr. Chris Jones!
微笑 Smile.
- 克里斯 - 他就像操了 - Chris! - He's like if a serial killer
励志演说家的连环杀手 fucked an inspirational speaker.
他就像丹尼尔·戴·刘易斯 除了他很逊 He's like Daniel Day-Lewis, except he sucks.
我在替他热场 I've tried his warm-up.
- 这对我不管用 - 令人不安 - It does not work for me. - So unsettling.
刚买了一合激光打印机 Just bought a laser printer.
打印出来 到目前为止打了六个激光器 Printed out, like, six lasers so far.
- 也许 - 嘿 多德 - Maybe. - Hey, DODD.
达勒万 今晚挺受欢迎 Uh, Dalavan's in the crowd tonight.
- 我能十分钟吗？ - 不 五分钟 - Can I do ten? - No, five minutes.
你把椅子放好 你五分钟 You put out chairs, you do five minutes.
- 规矩你懂 - 拜托 伙计 - You know the deal. - Come on, man.
我下次加倍 拜托 I'll double it up next time. Come on.
你在那里打算做什么？ What are you gonna do in there?
我正在安排下周的日程 I'm making up next week's schedule.
好的 酷 Okay, cool.
我和女朋友在床上 I was in bed with my girlfriend,
我想对她男人式说教 and I was trying to mansplain to her that, you know, we
小小地球 不过是银河系一个恒星的小行星 We are on one little rock orbiting one star in a galaxy
全宇宙充满着10亿星系 of a billion stars in a universe
每个星系10亿恒星 full of a billion galaxies.
难怪我忘了你的生日 You know, so I forgot your birthday.
谁在乎？ Who gives a shit?
好比 宇宙规模级的反应过度 Like, you are cosmically overreacting to this.
老实说 你超级自私 Honestly, you are being super selfish.
你是对的 但你很自私 You're right, but you're selfish.
嘿 Hey.
你们听说过别称“奶酪”的鸡尾酒新药吗？ Have you guys heard of this drug cocktail called cheese?
我看了新闻报道 所以我查了这种奶酪的成分 Uh, I saw these news reports, so I looked up what cheese is,
它是一种混合物 and cheese is a mixture.
泰诺林外加海洛因 Cheese is Tylenol PM and heroin.
本质是海洛因 So, really, it's heroin.
海洛因勇挑重担 Heroin's doing the heavy lifting.
光海洛因本身 就够强大了 Just do the heroin. It's very powerful.
你已经有海洛因了 You already have heroin.
这里有巴基斯坦人吗？ Is Pakistan in the house?
真的？你不是巴基斯坦人 Really? You're not from Pakistan.
我早注意你了 I would've noticed you.
- 开什么玩笑？ - 嗯 - Are you kidding me? - Mmm.
他刚允许你去蒙特利尔？ He just gave you Montreal? Like, you don't have to
不需要展示 或者试镜什么的 showcase or audition or anything?
不要 这太简单了 几乎 No. It was too easy, almost.
我也想奋斗 想要故事 Like, I wanted to struggle. I wanted I wanted a story
直接上脱口秀 to be able to tell on talk shows,
而不是 and instead, like
你们不知道奋斗有多艰难 You guys don't know how tough it is not to struggle.
这是一场成功的奋斗 It's It's a struggle succeeding effortlessly.
- 他有说我什么吗？ - 当然 - Did he say anything about me? - Sure.
- 那我呢？ - 你们两个 - What about me? - He They, both of you.
他说 “那些家伙演完了” He said, "Those guys performed."
事实上我真的恨你 I truly hate you, actually.
我们都恨你 We all hate you.
- 你好 - 嘿 - Hi. - Hi.
- 你好 - 嗯 我叫库米尔 - Hello. - Um, my name's Kumail.
我们知道 Yeah, we know.
我们看到你表演了 Yeah, we saw you perform.
现在不拘小节 Now that the niceties are out of the way, um,
我得告诉你 当你看我时 I have to tell you that when you yelled at me,
真的让我分心了 it really threw me off,
你不应该起哄喜剧演员 and, uh, you really shouldn't heckle comedians.
太粗鲁了 It's so rude.
我没起哄你 I didn't heckle you.
我只是呼呼你 这是支持 I just whoo-hoo'd you. It was supportive.
好吧 常见的误会 Okay, that's a common misconception.
但对着喜剧演员大喊大叫 But yelling anything at a comedian
就是起哄 is considered heckling.
起哄不一定是消极的 Heckling doesn't have to be negative.
如果我大喊 So, if I If I yelled out, like,
“你在床上太棒了” "You're amazing in bed!"
那算会是起哄？ That'd be a heckle?
是的 这绝对是起哄 Yeah. It would be an accurate heckle.
- 酷 - 哇 - Cool. - Whoa.
再见 Bye.
- 哦 - 别走 - Oh. - Don't go.
- 不 你可以 - 我要走了 - No, you can - I'm going.
你把我朋友吓跑了 You scared my friend off now.
你叫什么名字？ What's your name?
艾米丽 Emily.
艾米丽 Emily. Here
我想给你看点东西 艾米丽 I want to show you something, Emily.
这是你名字 乌尔都语 This is your name in Urdu.
哦 Oh.
这招管用吗？ Does this move work?
我已经小有成功 I've had some minor success with it.
废话 Bullshit.
你和你朋友 So, you just came to a comedy show
－起看喜剧？ with your friends?
是的 我们都是芝加哥大学的研究生 Yeah. We're all grad students at the University of Chicago.
你在研究什么？ What are you studying at grad school?
我学习心理学 我要当心理医生 I study psychology. I'm going to be a therapist.
所以你要坐在沙发上 然后 Oh, so you're gonna sit on a couch, and, like,
问别人 比如 “这让你感觉如何？” ask people, like, "How does that make you feel?"
我是说最终 没错 I mean, eventually, yeah.
现在我在做现场调查 Right now I'm just doing fieldwork
和一伙 with this group of guys
被判家庭暴力罪的人 who are convicted of domestic violence.
- 上帝 哇 - 干杯 - Jesus. Oh, wow. - Cheers to that.
不 别为那个干杯 敬你是个心理医生 No, don't cheers to that. To you being a therapist.
好极了 敬我的硕士学位 Great. To me getting my master's.
从此处开始 然后我们去其他地方 We'll start there, and then we'll go to the rest of it.
我的室友克里斯可能在沙发上 So, my roommate Chris is probably on the couch.
他会想试着开始心理谈话 He's gonna want to try and start a conversation.
所以 不要答应 So, do not engage.
好的 Okay.
我们上 Let's go.
嘿 伙计 嘿 - Hey, pals. - Hey.
你好 Hi.
对他有好处 Good for him. Good for him.
你想看电影吗？ Do you want to watch a movie?
- 当然 - 好的 - Sure. - Okay.
我应该把我的东西放下 还是 Should I just, like, put my stuff down or
请吧 我会说挺安全的 Yeah, I would say it's safe. You know what?
那个区域 放那里 That area's Go for that area.
我今年早些时候就清理过了 I cleaned that earlier this year, so
我要脱鞋吗 或者这是免脱鞋床？ Should I take my shoes off or is this a shoes-on bed?
不 这是“要脱鞋”床 No, it's a shoes-off bed.
我有严格的规定 I have I have strict rules.
酷 Cool. Cool.
哦 喔 Oh, wow.
充气床垫 That is totally, uh, an inflated mattress.
是的 那你本来期待 Yeah. Well, did you think it was gonna be
充气床垫？ a flat, inflatable mattress?
我本认为床垫就是真的床垫 I did think it might be an actual mattress,
但你知道 but you know.
气垫床垫也是真实床垫的一种 Well, air mattresses are actual mattresses.
你太固执了 You're being bigoted
- 好吧 - 靠着空气 - Okay. Uh-huh. - towards air-based
呃 Uh-huh.
- 对 靠着空气底垫？ - 很舒适的物品 - Towards air-based mattresses? - comfort items.
活死人之夜？ Night of the Living Dead?
好啊 我从没看过那部电影 Sure, I haven't ever seen that movie.
好了 既然死人都爬起来了 Okay, so, basically, the dead start rising.
- 嗯哼 - 那么活人是不是该 - Mmm-hmm. - And the good guys, um
短信劳伦 Text Lauren.
你醒了吗 女孩？ You up, girl?
不 妈的 不 No, fuck, no.
你想对沃伦说什么？ What do you want to say to Warren?
她 She
你想说什么？ What do you want to say to
你醒醒 句号 You up, period.
发送 Send.
这可能超出了我的能力范围 That may be beyond my abilities at the moment.
妈的 不 Fuck. No.
这些伤疤是什么？ What are these scars?
天花疫苗 Oh, they're, uh, smallpox vaccination.
我以为只有老人有 I thought only old people had those.
我来自巴基斯坦 Well, I'm from Pakistan,
我们还在奋斗 and we're still fighting some battles
但你们已经赢了 you guys have already won.
你在高中是什么样的？ What were you like in high school?
你是不是超级搞笑？ Were you, like, super funny?
你真的很聪明吗？ Were you really smart?
你 Were you
我很害羞 I was very shy.
他们叫我 “掐死牡蛎” They called me Chashmullee.
什么意思？ What is that?
大致翻译成 “白痴” It roughly translates to "dweeb."
我给你看张照片 I'll show you a picture.
你高中时？哦 天啊 Of you in high school? Oh, my God.
- 嘣 - 不 - Boom. - No.
我要删了它 And I'm thinking I'm killing it right now.
- 这个发型的来源是什么？ - 休格兰特 - What inspired this haircut? - Hugh Grant.
- 不 - 是的 - No. - Yeah.
- 不 - 大粉丝 - Oh, no. - Big fan.
- 你好严肃 - 好吧 - And you're so serious, too. - Okay.
我读过一篇休格兰特的采访 I read an interview with Hugh Grant.
- 他说他从来不笑 - 假的吧 - He said he doesn't smile. - No. That's not real.
因为他笑起来很胖 所以我从不 'Cause it makes his face look fat, so I didn't
我不在照片中微笑 很多年 I didn't smile in pictures for many years.
你在高中什么样？ What were you like in high school?
嗯 Um
你是否 被评为 最性感？ Were you, like, voted, like, most sexy?
没有 我被评为最引人注目 No. I was voted most noticeable.
- 很好 - 不 真的不好 - That's good. - No, it's really not good.
我有粉刺 我曾很哥特（不快乐） I, uh, had acne, and I was a goth, and
我烫发 I had this terrible perm.
嗯 是的 孩子们叫我阴间大法师 （蒂姆·伯顿1988年导演电影） Um, yeah, the kids called me Beetlejuice.
我不知道为什么 I don't know why.
事实上 我知道为什么 Actually, I do know why.
因为他们认为我外形像阴间大法师 It's because they thought I looked like Beetlejuice.
我得结束这个话题了 I think I'm done with this subject.
事实上 我想要回家了 In fact, I think I'm gonna go home.
等等 我们还没有再次亲热 Wait, wait. We haven't even had sex again yet.
我不是那种女孩 Yeah, I'm just not that kind of girl.
第一次约会 我只亲热一次 I only have sex once on the first date.
- 喔 - 外加一份手活儿 - Wow. - Plus a hand job.
好吧 我还没有手活 所以 Okay, well, I haven't had that, so
你不明白 其实因为你取笑我 You don't get that because you made fun of me.
怎么了？你在做什么？ What is happening? What are you doing?
我在毯子下面换衣服 I'm changing under this blanket.
我什么都看过了 记得吗？ I've seen everything. Do you remember?
我们刚做完爱 We were just having sex.
是啊 但我们刚才是激情的阵痛 Yeah, but we were, like, in the throes of passion then,
然后 and
听着 我过得很愉快 Listen, I had a really nice time.
谢谢 Thank you very much.
我得叫优步回家 I'm just gonna, like, call an Uber, go home,
我希望 and I hope
拜托 Just
你的司机只要穿上裤子 Your driver will be ready
就准备好出发了 as soon as he puts on his pants.
我们亲热的时候 你还在优步接单吗？ Were you available for rides while we were fucking?
对哦 但我只瞄过几眼 Yeah, but I only looked a couple times.
所以 万一我在俱乐部撞见你 So, maybe I'll, uh, run into you at the club sometime,
我们可以喝一杯吗？ and we can grab a drink?
嗯 我不是 Um, I'm not
虽然听起来像排队 I know this sounds like a line,
但我真没有 but I'm not really, like
我现在没有真的约会 I'm not really dating right now. I just
我有很多学校的 工作方面的 I've got a lot of school and work and
- 是的 - 我盘子里还有很多供选择的 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Just a lot on my plate.
我明白 完全 Yeah, no, I get it. Totally.
挺完美 因为我 That's perfect 'cause I'm not
现在也在约会 dating right now, either.
- 是的 - 嗯 - Okay. - Yeah.
我实际上有非常严格的两天规则 And I actually have a pretty strict two-day rule
意思是我约会最多连续两天 where I can't see someone more than two days in a row.
所以 既然我们傍了两天 So, since we hung out for two days,
即使我打算再次见你 even if I were to see you again,
实际上不可能 因为你没在约会 which I won't 'cause you're not dating,
我也没有 I'm not dating,
所以 得到星期一我才能见到你 I wouldn't be able to see you till Monday.
我们并没有傍了两天 We haven't hung out for two days.
我们才约了五小时 We've hung out for about five hours.
- 是的 但是 - 得彻底解释明白 - Yeah, but - Just to be totally clear.
昨天和今天 午夜之后日期跳动了 Yesterday and today 'cause it's after midnight.
所以 现在已经是明天了 So, today is actually tomorrow,
今晚早些时候是昨天 所以算两天 earlier tonight was yesterday, so two days.
你看 我不跟时间书呆子约会 You see, I don't date time-nerds,
所以 你被请出了我的餐盘 so that really takes you off the table.
也行 That works out
因为我是个顽固的时间书呆子 'cause I am a hardcore time-nerd.
是的 我看得出来 Yeah, I can tell.
我很严格 关于上午/下午的东西还有 I'm, like, very strict about a.m./p.m. stuff and
等等 我们到底 So, wait. So, just to establish,
决定了什么？ what did we decide?
我们决定以后再也不见面了 We decided we aren't ever gonna see each other again.
好极了 Great.
很高兴我们意见一致 I'm glad we're on the same page.
看我的牛仔裤 库米 Look at my jeans, Kumi.
他们来自“人类公民” They're from Citizens of Humanity.
- 品牌的名宇 - 哦 - That's the brand's name. - Oh.
他们很软 摸摸 They're so soft. Touch them.
我不想碰你的牛仔裤 I don't want to touch your jeans.
- 快点 摸摸 - 我会摸的 爸爸 - Come on, touch them. - I'll touch them.
他们就像运动裤 They're like sweatpants, you know.
你应该像你父亲－样时髦 You should be stylish like your father, you know.
这并不难 只要观察我 It's not very difficult. Just observe me.
- 跟爸爸学着点 - 嗯 - Get some Daddy style. - Yeah.
库米 你为什么不留胡子？ Kumi, why don't you grow a beard?
- 不用像纳维德 小一点就行 Not like Naveed's, just a small one.
- 别像他的 - 是的 也许像我的 - Not like his. - Maybe like mine.
虽小 但酷和时尚 Small, cool, and stylish.
库米 我一直在想 Kumi, I've been thinking.
为什么你不去报名法学院？ You know, why you don't enroll for LSAT now?
对不起 妈 我还没吃完 Yeah, sorry, Ma, I haven't done it yet.
我喜欢你提起 I like that you bring it up
好像你以前从没提起过 as if you've never brought it up before.
你的脱口秀怎么样了 巴依？ How's the stand-up coming, Bhai?
一切都很顺利 谢谢 It's going fine. Thank you.
你什么时候开始脱口秀的？ Yeah, since when are you someone to stand up?
我认为说脱口秀的应该是马莱拉 You know who I think should stand up is Malala.
- 她有话要说 - 马莱拉 对 - She has something to say. - Malala, yeah.
- 我爱马莱拉 - 她有话要说 - Ooh, I love Malala. - She has something to say.
- 马莱拉 - 是的 我知道 - Malala. - Yeah. I know.
她打开麦克风 观众就蜂拥而来 She does open mics, and she crushes.
许多种族材料 我认为某种段子材料 A lot of ethnic material, which I think is a crutch,
但那个段子说的太多次了 and that one story gets a lot of play, but
你应该去 You should be on that show
- 星期六夜间直播 - 简称SNL - Saturday Night Live. - SNL.
真是个好主意 我应该给他们发电子邮件 That's a great idea. I should e-mail them.
不知道我为什么没想到这一点 I don't know why I hadn't thought of that.
你知道码 我黑了你表哥 You know, I hacked into your cousin
里恩的Facebook账号 Rehan's Facebook account.
- 你偷了账号了？ - 哦 - You hacked into it? - Oh.
是的 因为他们不接受我加好友 Yeah, they were not accepting my friends request,
- 所以我不得不侵入 - 好吧 - so I had to hack into it - Okay.
我发现他和一起生活的白种女人 and I discovered that he and that white woman
生了个孩子 that he's living with are having a baby.
- 他们已经结婚了 - 这并不要紧 - They're married. - Yeah, whatever.
然后我侵人了博客 我发现 And then I hacked into Tumblr, and I discovered that
他们给孩子取名为 “大夫” they have named the baby Da-vé.
- 你能想象吗？ - 是大夫 - Can you imagine? - Dave.
- 戴夫？戴夫 - 可能是戴夫 - Dave? - It's probably Dave.
哦 戴夫 戴夫 Oh. Oh, Dave. Dave.
- 没人叫大夫的 - 非常 非常 非常悲伤 - Nobody's named Da-vé. - It's very, very, very sad.
没有人会去看望那个孩子的 那个孩子 No one is going to visit that baby, and that baby,
记住我的话 会在没有家庭的情况下成长 mark my words, will grow up without a family.
就像他死了或更糟 It's like he's dead or worse.
非常可悲的 库米 It is very sad. Kumi,
现在祷告 这样我们就可以吃冰淇淋了 去吧 go and pray now, so then we can eat ice cream. Go.
- 去吧 求你了 走吧 - 嗯 妈妈 我先吃完 - Go. Please, go. - Yeah, Ma, I need to finish.
快点 巴依 冰淇琳 Hurry up, Bhai. Ice cream.
然后我们吃冰淇淋 And then we'll eat ice cream.
停 加纳马兹在楼下 去吧 Stop, stop. Janamaz is downstairs. Go.
站住 Stop.
这是什么？ What is this?
时间到
我不知道 我想 I don't know, I think
我妈过去做的印度冰淇淋最好吃 My mother used to make best kulfi.
- 你 你奶奶？ - 是吗？ - Your grandmother. - Oh, yeah?
我认为冰淇淋比印度冰淇淋好 I think ice cream is better than kulfi.
不 No, no, no.
我想知道会是谁 Oh. I wonder who that could be.
- 嗯 - 让我看看 我不知道 - Yeah. - Let me check. I don't know.
我猜是个年轻的单身巴基斯坦女人 I'm guessing it's a young, single Pakistani woman
碰巧开车经过我们家 who just happened to be driving by our house,
问题我家是死胡同 which is on a cul-de-sac.
- 嗯 - 我还猜 - Well - And I'm also guessing
这句话 “顺路拜访” that the phrase "dropped in"
将在接下来的十秒内说出 will be said in the next ten seconds.
- 十 - 十 九 - Ten. - Ten, nine
- 八 七 - 安静 - eight, seven - Quiet.
所有人 这是祖比达 Everyone, this is Zubeida.
- 她顺路拜访 - 萨拉姆（你好） - She just dropped in. - Salaam.
- 来吧 请坐 - 嗯 - Come, please. Sit. - Mmm.
库米尔 你的档案 Oh, here, Kumail, for your files.
- 谢谢 - 你的X档案 因为 - Thank you. - Your X-Files because
- 谢谢 - 那是你最喜欢的电视节目 - Thank you. - that's your favorite show.
嗯？ Huh?
非常感谢 Thank you so much.
“真相就在那里” "The truth is out there."
- 嗯 - 这句是里面的台词 - Uh-huh. - It's from the show.
谢谢 Thank you.
- 谢谢 - 再见 - Thank you. Yeah. - Bye.
- 再见 - 希望再来 - Bye. - I hope you come back.
库米 这样产生不了神奇火花 好吗？ Kumi, there's not just going to be a magic spark, okay?
你必须努力 你得保持开放 You have to work at it. You have to stay open.
- 好的 妈妈 - 好吧 很好 - Okay, Ma. Okay. Yeah, yeah. - Okay. Good.
我只是希望你能做得更好 I just wish you were better at it, you know?
我的意思是 你练习这么多 你仍然 I mean, you've had so much practice, and you're still
- 还不够擅长 - 哈 哈 哈 哈哈 - You're not that good at it. - Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
很有趣 先是纳维德 Brought your A-game with NAVEED,
现在又是我 你可以先通知我 but with me, you're just phoning it in a little bit.
又来喜剧那套 喜剧 Again with the comedy, the comedy.
一切都是关于喜剧 严肃点行不行 All the time with the comedy. Be serious sometimes.
我很严肃的 我想你表演好一点 I am serious. I want to help you get better.
你会让我坐在前排的位子吗？ So, are you ever gonna let me sit in the front seat?
不 我是职业司机 No, I'm a professional,
你要付这趟钱 and you're paying for this ride.
我不想付这趟车的钱 I don't want to pay for this ride.
太颠簸了 It's surging right now.
抱歉 Yeah. Sorry.
你不应该输人号码的 You shouldn't have typed in the number.
好的 1969年的 Okay, the year is 1969.
米高梅经历一连串的失败 MGM has had a string of failures,
所以成就了最卖座的明星 文森特·普莱斯 so it turns to its most bankable star, Vincent Price.
这是你的兼容性测试吗？ Is this your compatibility test?
就像有些人爱好冯内古特或了不起的勒布斯基？ Like the way some people are with Vonnegut or Big Lebowski?
不 只是看电影 认真点 No, just watch the movie and take it seriously
- 因为这很严肃 - 我会喜欢的 - because it's very serious. - I'm gonna love it.
我喜欢男人测试我的品珠 I love it when men test me on my taste.
我只想和你分享这部电影 I just want to share this movie with you,
所以我不知道你为什么要解读 so I don't know why you're reading into
多少次 这部电影你给多少女人看过？ How many women have you showed this movie to?
零 Zero.
有多少女人 在第三次约会时会看B级 How many women have you shown a "B" horror movie to
恐怖电影？ on, like, a third date?
这不是B级恐怖片 This is not a "B" horror movie.
好吧 准备好了吗？ Okay, are you ready?
闭上眼睛 DVD菜单出现时 Just close your eyes 'cause when the menu comes on,
那上面有剧透 there's some spoilers in the menu.
- 好吗 - 我准备好了 - Okay? - I'm ready, I'm ready.
好吧 我按播放 Okay, I'll hit play.
好的 来了 Okay, go.
看 Watch.
- 我在看着呢 - 嘘 - I'm watching. - Shh.
看这部分 Watch this part.
- 不 - 什么？ - No. - What?
如果你累了 可以晚点再看 If you're tired, we can watch it later.
抱歉 奇怪现象 比如 Sorry. Just have that weird, like,
会打哈欠 yawning thing that happens
当你看非常无聊的电影时 when you're watching a really boring film.
这不无聊 要沉浸 It's not boring. Just wait for it to kick in.
- 剧情很快就开始了 - 好吧 - The plot kicks in really soon. - Okay.
你的损失 九乘以九 Your loss. Nine times nine.
九杀了你 Nine killed you.
很有趣 That was fun.
谢谢你送我回家 但我们不能再这样了 Uh, thanks for the ride home, but we got to stop doing this.
- 是的 - 我以前说过 - Yeah. - I know I've said that before,
但我是认真的 but I really do mean it.
我现在不能这么做 I can't be doing this right now.
我知道 完全的 100% I know, I know. Totally. 100 percent.
我同意你的看法 I agree with you.
- 别再给我打电话了 - 我不会的 - So, don't call me again. - I won't.
我保证 I promise.
祝你今后努力好运 Good luck on all your future endeavors.
谢谢 Oh, yeah, thank you.
嘿 我们永远分开之前 Hey, can we have an awkward hug
能尴尬的拥抱吗？ before we part forever?
- 好吧 - 好吧 - Okay. - Okay.
嗯 Uh
- 再见 - 再见 - Bye. - Bye.
你答应过再也不打电话给我 所以 Uh, you just promised never to call me again, so
外面真冷 It's really cold out here.
太冷了 It's so cold.
你说得很有道理 You make a pretty good point.
这里暖和多了 It is a lot warmer in here.
这里比较暖和 It is warmer in here.
其实楼上更不错 You know, it's really nice upstairs.
是吗？ Is it?
喔 喔 Whoa Whoa!
你在做什么？好了 What are you doing? Okay.
让自己舒服一点 Just trying to get comfy.
让我看看 那是谁？ Oh, let me see. Who could that be?
我想知道是谁 Oh, I wonder who that could be.
叔叔 Uncle.
让我看看是谁 Oh, let me see who is that.
艾米丽 库米尔有没有告诉过你 Emily, so has Kumail told you
除了做接单优步 that in addition to being an Uber driver,
他还有演独角戏？ he also has a one-man show?
不 他没有告诉我 No, he did not tell me that.
- 真的吗？ - 真的没什么 - Do you really? - Oh, it's really nothing.
这只是我不务正业 It's just something I'm fiddling around with.
独角戏与脱口秀 How is a one-man show different from stand-up?
- 有什么不同？ - 其买没有 - It's really not. - I guess it's because
我想是因为有很多 假发和服装的变化 there's lots of, like, wigs and costume changes.
里面有很多的表演 And there's a lot of acting in it.
然后说到底 Mmm. And then, like, at the end of it,
尴尬的总结为 you've got this very awkward conversation where you go,
“我真的很喜欢” "I really liked it."
但我觉得你是真的喜欢 But I thought you really liked it.
我真的很喜欢 I really liked it.
- 我等不及要看这个节目了 - 是的 - I can't wait to see this show. - Oh, yeah.
是的 你永远不会看到那个秀的 因为 Okay, you will never see the show because it's
- 你必须去看看 - 你必须的 - Oh, you have to see it. - You have to.
- 还没准备好 这不是 - 你一定要 - It's not ready. It's not - You have to
- 你会喜欢演戏的 - 你必须去看 - You will love the acting. - You have to see it.
他们在耍你 不是这样的 They're fucking with you. It's not really like this.
他们在耍我还是你？ They're fucking with me or with you?
这其实很有意义。 It's actually very significant.
好像他们在耍你 It seems like they're fucking with you.
我12岁了 这里是 I'm 12 years old, and this
这是家 This is home.
感觉就像我从未离开过 Feels like I never left.
你闻到了吗？ Do you smell that?
那是我妈妈在煮咖喱番茄炖羊肉 That's my mom cooking the murgh rogan josh.
- 他妈的 - 你听到了吗？ - Fuck. - Do you hear that?
那是我爸爸在电视上看板球 That's my father watching cricket on the telly.
你感觉到了吗？ Do you feel that?
这是巴基斯坦历史的重点 That's the weight of Pakistan's history.
巴基斯坦是在1947年8月14日 Pakistan was formed when it separated
与它最大的竞争对手印度分离后成立的 from its biggest rival, India, on August 14th, 1947.
6分击球跑动 Six runs.
外野手 短背前内野 Silly mid on. Short mid-wicket.
背前内野 深背前内野 Mid-wicket. Deep mid-wicket.
右外野手 远右野手 远左野手 投球手 左外野手 Mid on. Long on. Long off. Bowler. Mid off.
外曲线球是 A googly is when a
演出一结束我就得离开 I have to leave as soon as the show's over.
- 我不能留下 - 好的 - I can't stay. Okay. - Okay.
所以 如果你看到外野手 So, if you get a silly mid-on fielder,
你知道很快就会有脚前球 you know you're getting a yorker soon.
回顾一下 巴基斯坦最大的出口 So, to review, Pakistan's biggest exports
- 是棉花和 - 混凝土 - are cotton and - Concrete.
- 杀了我吧 - 没错 - Kill me. - That's right.
开斋节 那是我们的圣诞节 Eid Mubarak. That's our Christmas.
取代传统的圣诞火腿 Except instead of the traditional Christmas ham,
我们食用米泰 （印度人春节吃的甜食） we serve mithai,
我的“胡萨米”克里斯 现在会为你提供服务 which my khansamah, Chris, will serve to you right now.
胡萨米是乌尔都语 意为仆人 Khansamah is Urdu for "servant."
如果你想在家做 If you want to make it at home,
主要成份是炼乳 the main ingredients are condensed milk,
糖和爱 sugar, and love.
起码我妈妈的食谱是这样的 At least, that was my mom's recipe.
看起来像马来西亚的儿童玩具 Hey, you look like a children's toy from Malaysia.
现在请你们起立 Now would you all please rise
巴基斯坦国歌？ for the Pakistani national anthem?
保佑神圣的土地 Pak sarzamin shad bad
物产丰富 Kishwar-i hasin shad bad
嘿 Hey.
嘿 你觉得怎么样？ Hey. So, what'd you think?
- 嗯 我觉得很棒 - 是吗？ - Um, I thought it was great. - Yeah?
我从来不知道巴基斯坦 I never knew that Pakistan
拥有世界上最大的灌溉系统 had the world's largest irrigation system.
嗯 大约有1400万公顷的土地 Yeah, something like 14 million hectares
正在灌溉 are being irrigated.
我说到那句的时候 我就像 Like, as soon as I read that, I was like,
对了 那就是表演嘛 "Oh, that's going in the show."
- 正解 - 嘿 艾米丽 - Totally. - Hi, Emily.
- 嘿 - 嘿 伙计们 - Hey. - Hi, guys.
嘿 伙计 那是 你处于巅峰状态 伙计 Hey. Dude, that was You were in the zone, man.
那是我们见过的最好的 That was That was the best one we've seen.
是的 那么的诚买和美好 Yeah, that was so honest and good.
你知道我中途意识到什么吗？ And you know what I realized halfway through?
- 你是巴基斯坦人 - 没错 - You're from Pakistan. - Yes.
- 很高兴见到你 艾米丽 - 好了 再见 伙计们 - Cool, good to see you, Emily. - Yes. Okay, bye, guys.
- 好极了 再见 伙计们 - 保持 - Great. Bye, guys. - Keep up the
- 他们似乎挺喜欢 - 他们真好 - They seemed to like it. - They're so nice.
所以 你觉得呢？ 就像循序工作 So, really, what'd you think? Like, it's a work in progress.
我真的很喜欢 我更了解巴基斯坦了 I really liked it. I learned a lot about Pakistan
还有板球知识 占位等等 and cricket, all those positions.
但我希望能更多地了解你 But I just wish that I had learned more about you.
- 这样合理吗？ - 嗯 - Does that make any sense? - Yeah.
- 嘿 - 哦 嗨 - Hey. - Oh, hi.
现在是凌晨3:00 It's 3:00 a.m.
街角的餐馆开着吗？ Is that, uh, diner around the corner open?
24小时的 It's 24 hours.
干嘛 你想吃老式柠檬酥皮馅饼？ Why, you want an old lemon meringue pie?
你真有趣 You're so funny.
不 事实上 我真的需要 No, actually, um, I just, I really need to, um,
去喝杯咖啡 get a cup of coffee.
我可以给你煮咖啡 I can make you coffee.
我喜欢快餐咖啡 那种烧焦的味道 I love diner coffee. I just love that burnt taste.
好吧 我跟你一起去 All right, I'll come with you.
不 不 不 你干嘛？ No, no, no, no, no. No, why would you do that?
这里治安不好 It's a bad neighborhood.
我不会让你自己去的 I'm not gonna let you go on your own.
- 为什么？因为我是女人？ - 是的 - Why? 'Cause I'm a woman? - Okay.
说真的 这是我听过的 Seriously, that's the most misogynous thing
最“厌女”的事 I've ever heard.
- 你为什么这么古怪 - 去你的 - Why are you being so weird? - Fuck you.
- 我不是怪人 - 你现在很古怪 - - I'm not being weird. - You're being so weird.
你太古怪了 你真是太古怪了 You're being weird. You're being so weird.
我怎么就古怪了？ 睡觉的时候 How am I weird? I want to sleep
- 我想睡觉 - 这是正常的 - while it's sleep time. - This is normal.
女孩们半夜去喝咖啡 Girls go to get coffee in the middle of the night.
你以前没交过女朋友吗？ Have you never had a girlfriend before?
- 就这样的 - 你没事吧？ - This is what it's like. - Are you okay?
一切都不是 一切都不好 Everything is not okay. Everything is not good.
嘿 嘿 嘿 你可以告诉我任何事 Hey, hey, hey. You could tell me anything,
你知道的吧？ you know that, right?
你可以告诉我任何事 You could tell me anything.
我要去大便 好吗？ I have to take a shit, okay?
我得造个大蛋糕 I have to take a huge, fucking dookie.
我不能在你的洗手间造蛋糕 I can't poo in your bathroom
因为你没有火柴 because you don't have any matches,
你没有空气清新剂 and you don't have any air freshener.
什么样的人 浴室里没有火柴 What kind of person doesn't have any matches
也没有空气清新剂？ or air freshener in the bathroom?
墙很薄 克里斯就在外面 The walls are so thin, and Chris is right out there.
别笑了 求你了 求你了 Please, stop laughing. Please, please, please.
好吧 我有个主意 Okay. I have an idea.
嘿 你好吗？ Hey. How are you?
我不想谈这事 I do not want to talk about it.
注意学习 巴依 Watch and learn, Bhai.
全都是为了转移重量和扭矩 It's all about shifting the weight and the torque.
天啊 Oh, Christ.
好的 Oh. Okay.
嘿 你就像巴基斯坦的塞米·索萨（棒球明星） Hey, you're like a Pakistani Sammy Sosa.
好了 亲爱的 就是这样 There you go, honey. Yeah. That's it.
他很不错 想干啥干啥 He's pretty good. Just do what he's doing.
好吧 很好 Okay, great.
我的 Mine.
来吧 伙计 让我 Come on, man, just let me
我的 我的 谢谢 Mine. Mine, mine, mine, thank you.
- 为什么你要这样？ - 你继续 不 - Why do you get the Chana? - You go on that No.
嗯 Mmm.
这饼干真好吃 This cookie's really good.
只是饼干 听你说些什么 They're biscuits. Listen to yourself.
你听起来不像巴基斯坦人 You hardly sound Pakistani.
饼干 "Cookies."
听起来像朱丽娅·路易斯·德莱弗斯 （世界顶级美丽富豪女第三名） Sound like Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
好一个汉堡包 Such a burger.
- 我不是汉堡 - 是的 你是个汉堡 - I'm not a burger. - Yes, you're a burger.
- 我不是汉堡 - 你是个大胖子汉堡 - I'm not a burger. - You're a big, fat burger.
而饼干实际上是英国术语 And biscuit is actually a British term.
谢谢你提供的信息 Oh, thank you for all the information
我才不在乎呢 I don't give a shit about.
你应该听妈妈的话留胡子 And you should listen to Mom and grow a beard.
很痒 我试过了 Gets really itchy. I've tried.
- 零零碎碎的 - 痒吗？ - It's all patchy. - Oh, is it itchy?
- 我知道我像个婴儿 - 好吧 试着做男人 - I know I sound like a baby. - Well, try being a man
和我一样健身 and conditioning like I do.
穆斯林留长胡子到底是 What's the whole thing with Muslims
怎么回事？ growing beards, anyway?
这是个武断的事情 对吧？ It's such an arbitrary thing, right?
是谁决定的啊 我们得留胡子 Like, who decided that, "Oh, we have to have beards."
但你必须的 我们有10亿人 Oh. But you'll do So, there's a billion of us,
你是唯一懂真相的人 and you're the only one with the truth.
是吗？ Is that right?
所以 太阳现在正照耀着你 So, the sun is just shining down on you right now.
只是离别 It's just parting.
我得告诉你一件事 巴依 You know, I have to tell you something, Bhai.
说吧 Here we go. Yeah.
我一直在和这个女孩约会 I've been dating this girl.
- 她是白人 - 哦 - She's white. - Oh.
我以为你会说 I thought you were gonna say
你肇事逃逸 you were involved in a hit-and-run
或者你被发现伪造支票 or you got caught forging some checks,
但白人女孩？ but a white girl?
我是说这太老套了？ I mean, that's such a cliché.
没关系 我们讨厌恐怖分子 It's okay, and we hate terrorists.
- 只是 - 抱歉 - It's - Just sorry.
我明白 你是在美国 Listen, I understand. You're in America,
你想多修剪几个草坪 and you want to mow a few lawns
体验外国女人是什么感觉 但 and see what it's like, but
最终 你还是要娶巴基斯坦女孩 Eventually, you have to marry a Pakistani girl.
就像 Like
我傍马子 Like, I hung out with other girls,
但后来 我娶了法蒂玛 but then I married Fatima.
头几个月 我们说话几乎 And we hardly spoke two words to each other
不超过两个宇 但现在 库米 in the first few months, but now, Kumi,
- 她就像我最好的朋友 - 我知道 - she's like my best friend. - I know.
你必须马上和她分手 You have to break up with her immediately.
如果我找到和法蒂玛 If I find someone who's as good for me
一样好的人 as Fatima is for you,
妈妈会理解的 对吗？ Mom would understand, right?
我是说她不会少爱我的 I mean, she wouldn't love me less.
她肯定更爱你 Oh, she'd definitely love you less.
慢慢地 会有的 Slowly, it'd sort of
男人不再回女孩的电话的叫什么来着？ What's the word when guys stop returning girl's calls?
- 鬼影？ - 是的 - Ghosting? - Yes.
你必须现在就结束 否则妈妈会鬼影你 You have to end it now, or Mom will fucking ghost you.
现在 来吧 Now, come on.
击球 Batting.
很多鲜艳的水果 I am getting, like, a lot of bright fruit.
我想说水果向前冲 I'd say it's very fruit-forward.
嗯 味道像坏了的葡萄汁 Mmm-hmm. It tastes like grape juice that's gone bad.
- 就像 - 嗯 - Like - Yeah.
你怎么这么了解酒？ Why do you know so much about wine?
因为 Um, because,
呃 uh
我第一次婚姻很不开心 I was pretty unhappy in my first marriage,
我喝了很多 and I drank a lot,
有一种方法可以避免喝很多酒 and, uh, one way to cover drinking a lot is to just,
比如了解酒类知识 like, know a lot about wine.
等等 对不起 你刚才说什么？ Wait. I'm sorry. What did you just say?
了解酒类知识 That knowing a lot about wine covers for drinking a lot.
不 我是说之前那条 Uh, no, I mean the huge piece of information
你想搪塞的那条 that you're trying to just blow right past.
是的 没错 我结过婚 Yeah. Yeah, I was married.
- 你结过婚？ - 嗯 结过 - You were married? - Um I was.
我结过婚 I was married.
你想谈点别的还是 ？ Do you want to talk about something else or
因为我没别的问题 Yeah, 'cause I don't really have any questions.
- 不 - 除了 - No. - Other than
你什么时候结婚的？ 你什么时候离婚的？ When did you get married? When did you get divorced?
他叫什么名字？他有多高？ What's his name? How tall is he?
你爱他吗？ Did you love him?
我想我有几个问题 I guess I have a couple questions.
嗯哼 Uh-huh.
他叫 莱恩 Um, his name was is Ryan.
大学里认识的 We met in college.
我认识的每个人 结婚时都很年轻 Everyone I knew was getting married super young,
我们也是 有天我去一家餐馆 so we did, and, um, one day I was at a restaurant,
我看到一对夫妻在亲热 and I saw this couple making out.
我想 And I thought,
“嗯 我不认为我丈夫会喜欢这样” "Huh. I don't think about my husband like that.
“但 没关系” "But that's okay."
然后我大脑的另一部分就像 And then another part of my brain was like,
“不 这是不好的” “这是你的生活” "No, that's not okay. This is your life."
我觉得这吓到你了 I feel like this is freaking you out.
- 吓坏你了吗？ - 没有吓到我 - Is this freaking you out? - It's not freaking me out.
我不想给你施加压力 I don't want to put pressure on you.
我知道只过了几个月 And I know it's only been a few months,
但我只是想告诉你 我 but I just wanted to tell you, I
被你淹没了 am overwhelmed by you.
这是我曾期待的 最后一件事 It's the last thing I was expecting.
这也是我曾期待的 最后一件事 This is also the last thing I was expecting.
我也感到完全被你淹没了 And I also feel completely overwhelmed by you.
- 说这话 真奇怪 - 为什么？ - That's a weird thing to say. - Why?
我只是重复你的话 I just said what you said, exactly what you said.
对 我说的时候并不奇怪 Yeah, it wasn't weird when I said it.
- 不 - 没关系 - No - It's okay.
听着 我爸妈 So, listen, my parents are going
- 这个周末要进城 - 大好了 - to be in town this weekend. - Oh, that's great.
你是否愿意来和他们一起吃午饭？ Will you maybe want to come and meet them for lunch?
我们不能 因为两天的规矩 对吧？ Oh, we can't 'cause of the two-day rule, right?
星期五晚上你来参加玛丽的派对吗？ Well, you'll come to Mary's party Friday night, right?
然后我们可能会过夜 And then we'll probably spend the night,
不然我星期一才能看到你 所以 so I won't be able to see you till Monday, so
是的 我很想见见你的父母 Okay. Well, I would love to meet your parents.
他们住在城里 对吗？ They live in the city, right?
他们住在郊区 Well, they live in the suburbs,
所以 呃 你知道 and, uh, you know,
我真的不常见他们 I don't really see them very much.
他们问起我了吗？ Have they asked about me?
- 他们怎么想？- 哦 嗯 - What do they think? - Oh, um
他们 他们想见我吗？ Do they Do they want to meet me?
我父母想见你 My parents want to meet you.
当然了 他们很想见你 Of course, of course. They're dying to meet you.
- 上帝 - 你没事吧？ - Ow. Oh, my God. - Whoa, you okay?
- 没事 - 发生什么事了？ - Yep. - What happened?
- 你 - 完全没事 - Do you - Totally fine.
你需要 Do you need
不 我只是扭伤脚踝 No, I think I just tweaked my ankle.
援助？ assistance?
上周末我参加嘻哈舞蹈课 I took this stupid hip-hop dance class last weekend.
你应该去看看 你要冰块吗？ You should get it looked at. Do you want ice?
- 我什么都不需要 - 我去拿袋冰块 - I don't need anything. - I can get you a bag of ice.
我可以走 我没事 Look, I'm walking on it. I'm totally fine.
- 我可以带你去 - 库米尔 说真的 别说了 - I can carry you. - Kumail, seriously, stop.
今天还有时间 I can carry you the rest of the day.
不许再说 Stop.
嘿 我喜欢你的朋友 Hey, I liked your friends.
那个叫克雷格的家伙？ That Craig guy?
还是格雷格？ Or was it Greg?
我永远分不清这些名字 You know, I can never tell with those names.
我很高兴我喜欢他 因为我不想 I'm glad I like him 'cause I don't want have to, like,
找借口避开他 你知道妈？ come up with excuses to avoid him, you know?
比如 “不 我今晚要冲浪” Like Like, "Oh, no. I have kite-surfing tonight."
英国人念克雷格的发音为 “魁哥” You know, in the UK, Craig is pronounced Crayg,
这挺好 因为念法就是写法 对吧？ which is good 'cause that's how it's written, right?
总之 他是个好人 Anyway, he's a great guy.
我正要告诉你那事 I was gonna tell you about that.
你是在选巴基斯坦下一任顶尖模特？ Are you judging Pakistan's Next Top Model or something?
- 不 - 说真的 - No. - Seriously.
- 这些女人是谁？- 好吧 - Who are these women? - Okay, um
你知道巴基斯坦的传统婚姻吗？ You know how we have arranged marriage in my culture?
这些女人都是 These are those women.
这些巴基斯坦的妇女 想嫁给你？ These are women in Pakistan who want to marry you?
她们不在巴基斯坦 They're not in Pakistan.
你见过这些女人？ You've met these women?
是我父母搞的事 但我们没有 Just with my parents and stuff, but we haven't, like
但你不是认真的吧？ But you're not serious about this, are you?
我妈妈的事 我只是顺其便 It's my mom's thing. I just go along with it.
那么 你妈怎么看待你和我？ So, what does your mom think about you and me then?
她根本不知道我 是吗？ She doesn't know about me, does she?
对 No.
- 艾米丽 只是 - 操 - Emily, just - Fuck!
他妈的五个月禁闭 Five fucking months of red flags.
天啊 我真笨 Oh, my God, I'm so stupid.
你躲着我的父母 You ducking my parents.
天哪 两天的规矩 Oh, my God, the two-day rule.
不 和这事无关 No, that had nothing to do with it.
说真的 禁闭复禁闭 Seriously. Red flag after red flag.
你真是个骗子 你骗我 You're such a liar. You lied to me.
你对你父母撒谎了 You lied to your parents.
还有你喜欢的人 And those are just the people you like.
有没有你不骗的人？ Is there someone that you're not lying to?
我很想见见他们 因为我可以告诉他们 I'd love to meet them because then I could tell them
- 你是个该死的骗子 - 你知道吗？ - what a fucking liar you are! - You know what?
你直到最近才告诉我你离婚的事 You didn't tell me about your divorce until recently.
你也在隐瞒什么 So, you were hiding fucking something, too.
我的离婚 并不意味我们未来不可能 My divorce does not mean that our future is impossible.
实际上正好相反 It actually means the direct opposite.
我没有隐瞒你 好吧？ I'm not hiding anything from you. Okay?
我是一本公开的书 I'm an open fucking book.
你想知道我的雪茄盒里有什么吗？ You want to know what's in my cigar box?
贴纸 Stickers.
贴纸和邮票 Stickers and stamps.
你不是心理医生吗？你不该很善于 Aren't you a therapist? Aren't you supposed to be good
- 处理这类 - 我的鞋在哪里？ - at handling this kind of - Where are my fucking shoes?
你不是善于处理 Aren't you supposed to be, like, able to deal with this
这些问题吗？ better than you are right now?
我在表达自己 I am expressing myself!
你知道我们怎么称呼巴基斯坦包办婚姻 艾米丽？ You know what we call arranged marriage in Pakistan, Emily?
婚姻 是的？我们称之为婚姻 Marriage. Okay? We just call it marriage.
还有另一种婚姻 There's another type of marriage.
叫做爱情婚姻 这很糟糕 It's called love marriage, and that's bad.
我的表兄里恩娶了爱尔兰女人 My cousin Rehan married an Irish woman,
他被赶出了家门 and he was kicked out of the family.
不许任何人和他说话 Nobody is allowed to talk to him.
你为什么不告诉我？ Why didn't you tell me any of this?
因为我不认为你会理解 Because I didn't think you'd fucking understand,
我他妈的是对的 and I was fucking right.
你认为我不能看透 You don't think that I could
你的生活 他妈的怎么了？ fathom your life in any fucking way?
你觉得你能听懂我的话吗？ Oh, you think you could understand me?
我在和1400年的古老文化抗争 I'm fighting a 1,400-year-old culture.
你高中的时候很丑 You were ugly in high school.
有很大的区别 There's a big fucking difference.
对不起 I'm sorry.
我不能失去我的家人 I can't lose my family.
你能想象那个世界 Can you imagine a world in w
我们最终会在一起那个？ In which we end up together?
我不知道 I don't know.
我得走了 I have to go.
别他妈的给我打电话 Don't fucking call me.
杂粮 黑麦 Multigrain, pumpernickel,
皮塔饼 热狗面包 面包 pita bread, hot dog bun, croutons.
我一个都不能吃 I can't eat any of it.
我不想要孩子 I don't want kids.
人们说 “萨姆 你－定会喜欢的” People say, "Sam, you're gonna love it.
“这孩子 你会有一个孩子” "This kid You're gonna have a kid,
“他将是你最好的朋友” "he's gonna be your best friend."
这个最好的朋友 A best friend that
吐满你全身 到处拉屎 that pukes on you and shits everywhere
一直在尖叫 and is constantly screaming.
我已经有这样的朋友了 I already have friends like that.
人们说 “萨姆” People say, "Sam "
我知道你很失望 好吧 但是 就像 I know you're bummed, all right, but, like
艾米丽是个好人 我没说她不是 Emily's a good person. I'm not saying she's not.
我想说的是 宇宙 All I'm saying is, this is the universe
告诉你 “抓住你的时刻” telling you, "Seize your moment.
“自私地追求你的事业 "Be a little selfish and pursue your career."
鲍勃·达勒万 星期四会来 Bob Dalavan's gonna be here on Thursday.
如果你能进入蒙特利尔喜剧节 If you get the Montreal Comedy Festival,
会改变你的－切 it would change things for you.
你不想被困在芝加哥吧？ You don't want to get stuck in Chicago, right?
你不想像萨姆·海史密斯那样结束 You don't want to end up like Sam Highsmith,
他一直重复 “人们口中的萨姆” 的段子 who's been doing the "People say Sam" bit
自打2003年 since '03.
我不喜欢孩子 I don't like kids.
- 人们说 “萨姆 ” - 懂？ - People say, "Sam " - See?
- 这就是你想要的吗？- 就像 - Is that what you want? - It's like
这就是你想要的生活？ Is that what you want for your life?
太神奇了 同一个段子 It's amazing. And it's the same material.
- 人们怎么说？- 萨姆 - What do people say? - Sam.
- 人们怎么说？- 萨姆 - People say what? - Sam.
我是萨姆·海史密斯 谢谢 I'm Sam Highsmith. Thank you very much.
你知道吗 我会告诉他的 You know what, I'm gonna tell him
- 他是个黑客 - 我对他的感受 - He's a hack. - how I feel about it.
- 他妈的告诉他 - 不要写任何新的东西 - Fucking tell him. - Never writes anything new.
- 我要告诉他 - 这是狗屁 - I'm gonna tell him - It's fucking bullshit.
- 太棒了 伙计 - 我感觉到了 震撼 - Great set, dude. - I'm feeling it, bro.
- 杀了我 伙计 - 喜欢新的东西 - Killing me, man. - Crushing. Love the new stuff.
我们应该为自己感到羞耻 We should be ashamed of ourselves.
我们很弱 We're weak. We're weak.
我不会称之为 “心理暗示” I wouldn't call it an obsession,
但我很擅长魔术 but I'm pretty good at magic.
对 Yeah.
你能让他的肚子消失吗？ Can you make his belly disappear?
- 哦 - 拜托 - Oh. - Come on.
我对我的肚子太满意了 I'm too happy with my belly.
有人有一美元吗？ Does anyone have a dollar?
- 我给你 - 好的 - I will give you something. - Okay.
20块？大款 Twenty? Big spender.
好吧 安德鲁·杰克逊 All right. Andrew Jackson.
你认为他 Don't you think he would look cool
戴墨镜酷吗？ with a pair of sunglasses?
嗯 我真的 Yeah, I really
- 好吧 嗯 - 好的 - Okay. Mmm. - Okay.
- 好极了 - 是吗？ - Oh, he's Okay. - Right?
- 好吧 时尚 - 是的 嗯 - Okay, stylish. - Yes. Mmm-hmm.
好的 Okay.
现在 我们洒上魔尘 And now we sprinkle the magic dust on.
就－点点 Just a little bit.
你不能缺少魔尘的 Yeah, you can't do it without the magic dust. Yeah.
必须要 没有魔尘不行 好吧 No, yeah, I need it. All right.
- 咒语 - 好的 - Abracadabra. - Okay.
- 仔细看 - 嗯 - Watching carefully. - Mmm-hmm.
太棒了 That is amazing.
他戴眼镜确实好看些 And he does look better with glasses.
- 对吗？ - 是的 - Right? - He does.
你是怎么做到的？ How did you do that?
魔术师从不透露秘密 Oh, no, a magician never reveals her tricks.
这是你的20块 南贾尼先生 Here's your 20 back, Mr. Nanjiani.
这张20美元还能买东西吗？ Do you think I can use this $20 bill now to buy something?
现在看起来好多了 对吧？ It look better now, right?
我和我朋友在看怪兽电影 I was watching this monster movie with my friend.
他转向我 他就像 And he turned to me, and he was like,
“这种情况下 你会做什么？” "What would you do in that situation?"
我绝不会成为最后一个活着的人 I'm never gonna be one of the last guys alive.
我会是第一个死的人 I'm gonna be the first guy to die.
我死了 所以其他的角色才能 I die so the other characters get to find out
继续挖掘奇怪的事情 that something weird's going on.
于是 我独自去找那只猫 I go off alone to find the cat.
我都没发现有怪兽 I never even find out that there were monsters.
对我来说 电影的情节就是我们在研究机构内 To me, the plot of the movie was we're at a research facility
那只猫不见了 and the cat's missing!
剧终 The end.
丹尼斯 这个 Denise, this
你名字的乌尔都语 is your name in Urdu.
哇 太酷了 Wow, that is so cool.
- 库米尔？ - 嘿 - Kumail? - Hey.
- 嘿 鲍勃·达勒万 - 我认识你 - Hey, Bob Dalavan. - Yeah. I know you.
你今晚的表演非常有趣 Some very interesting premises in your set tonight.
- 谢谢 - 是的 - Oh, thanks. - Yeah.
我只是想让你知道 I just wanted you to know. I'm about to take off.
我要走了 但你晋级决赛了 去蒙特利尔 But you made it to the finals for the Montreal showcase.
天哪 谢谢 Oh, my God. Thank you.
- 你也是 玛丽 - 哦 - You, too, Mary. - Oh!
- 好的 - 好的 - Okay. - Okay.
我们那里见 So we'll see you guys up there.
- 嗯 - 保持联系 - Yeah. - We'll be in touch.
- 那么 C狗呢？ - 那是谁？ - Well, what about C-Dog? - Who's that?
我 那我呢？ Uh, me. What about me?
你知道吗？ Oh, you know what?
你挺有趣 好吧？ Funny stuff, okay?
我送你出去 I'll walk you out.
嘿 你想去什么地方吗？ Hey, do you want to go somewhere?
是的 我们去别的地方吧 Yeah, let's go somewhere.
你好？ Hello?
库米尔 我是杰西 Kumail, it's Jessie.
嘿 谁？ Hey. Who?
杰西 我和艾米丽同校 Jessie. I'm in school with Emily.
听着 艾米丽在医院 Listen, Emily's in the hospital.
她的感冒很严重 She has a really bad flu or something.
什么？ What?
请你来一趟 好吗？ Could you just go, please?
我们需要有人陪她 我们明天要考试 We need someone there. We have exams tomorrow,
所以没人能陪她 so nobody else can go.
她还在急诊室 She's still in the ER.
你能不能去和她坐在－起 Could you just go and sit with her,
然后开车送她回家 好吗？ and then drive her home, please?
我在那里待了很久 I was there for as long as I could,
但我必须离开 but I had to leave.
你好 我找艾米丽·加德纳 Hi. I'm looking for Emily Gardner.
嗯 艾米丽·加德纳 她登记过 Um Emily Gardner. She was checked in
嘿 Hey.
你来干什么？ What are you doing here?
杰西打电话给我 Um, Jessie called me
想让我确定你没事 and wanted me to make sure you were okay.
- 你怎么样？- 好的很 - So how are you doing? - Fine.
我完全没事 好的不要不要的 I'm totally fine. Never been better.
1000％的好 A 1,000% fine.
只是有点晕倒在工作上 Just, like, fainted a little at work.
今天早上没吃早饭 I didn't have breakfast this morning.
早餐 是每天最重要的一餐 Breakfast, the most important meal of the day.
你知道的 You know that.
加德纳小姐 你的房间很快就会好的 好吧？ Ms. Gardner, your room will be ready soon, okay?
不 事实上 我真想回家 Oh, no, no, actually, I would just love to go home
睡自己的床 and sleep in my own bed.
先生 请你出去一会好吗？ Sir, can you step outside for a moment, please?
如果你想留下 你必须去保安处 If you want to stay, you have to go to the security desk
拿通行证 and get a pass.
好吧 保安处在哪里？ All right. Where is the security desk?
在楼下 It's downstairs,
的保安处那里 exactly where you walked in at the security desk.
保安处在保安处 明白了 The security desk is at the security desk. Got it.
我能给你拿点什么吗？ Can I get you something?
水？ 果汁？ 咖啡？ Water? Juice? Coffee?
我能和你说几句话吗？ May I speak with you for a second?
我马上回来 I'll be right back.
她的肺部感染严重 There's a massive infection in her lungs,
她所有的生命体征指标升高 and all her vitals are elevated.
她有艾滋病吗？ Does she have HIV?
什么？不 我的意思是 她 What? No. I mean, she
- 你是她丈夫吗？- 不 - Are you her husband? - No.
我们得马上给她插管 Oh, we need to intubate her immediately.
我需要家属签字 I need a family member to sign this.
所以 我再问你一遍 你是她丈夫吗？ So I'm gonna ask you again, are you her husband?
“插管” 是什么意思？ What does, uh, "intubate" mean?
我们必须给她安装呼吸机 所以 We have to put her on a respirator, and to do that,
我们得制造医学昏迷 we need to put her in a medically-induced coma.
- 昏迷？ - 是的 - Coma? - Yes.
让她稳定下来 以便处理感染 To stabilize her so we can work on the infection.
现在就得做 And it needs to happen right now.
那么 我最后再问你一次 So, I'm gonna ask you one last time,
你是她丈夫吗？ are you her husband?
这是怎么回事？ What's going on?
- 这是怎么回事？- 你会没事的 - What's going on? - You're gonna be okay.
- 放松 - 你要带我去哪里？ - Just relax and - Where are you taking me?
你应该打电话给她的家人 You should call her family.
抱歉 Sorry.
嘿 加德纳太太 Hey, Mrs. Gardner, um,
我是库米尔 艾米丽的朋友 this is Kumail, Emily's friend.
抱歉这么晚打电话给你 Uh, sorry to call you so late.
艾米丽 艾米丽很好 Um, Emily's Emily's fine.
只是需要照顾 她很好 Just want to get that taken care of. She's fine.
她在芝加哥市医院 Um, she is at City View Hospital in Chicago
医学昏迷 in a medically-induced coma,
但医生说 but the doctors say that all
是的 我说了 “昏迷” Yes, I did say "coma."
嘿 我是库米尔 Hey. I'm Kumail.
我们知道你 库米尔 We know who you are, Kumail.
加德纳先生和太太 Mr. and Mrs. Gardner,
医生们现在想见你 the doctors would like to see you now.
我马上回来 I'll be right back.
听着 医生马上就到 Uh, listen, the doctor will be here any minute.
她只是有点晚了 She's just running a little late.
不要阅读丧亲室里任何文宇 Don't read anything into this being the bereavement room.
因为我们唯一只剩这间房了 It's the only room we had available.
- 好的 谢谢 - 好吧 - Okay. Thank you. Okay. - Okay.
- 泰利 泰利 我我 - 这 - Terry, Terry, I I - It's
- 这让我发疯了 - 我知道 - It's driving me insane. - Yes, I know, I know,
但这让我感觉好多了 but it makes me feel better.
我只是 I just
你好 不 请坐 Hello. No. Please sit. Please sit.
我是坎宁安医生 艾米丽的主治医生 I'm Dr. Cunningham, Emily's attending.
我会协调所有的医生 I'll be coordinating all the doctors
精心策划她的治疗方案 and orchestrating her treatment strategy.
所有的医生？有多少人？ All the doctors? How many are there?
- 五个 - 五个？ - Five. - Five?
这么多？这正常吗？ Why so many? I mean, is that is that normal?
是的 这是ICU病人的标准 Yes. It's standard for patients in the ICU.
我们从许多角度来看 我们协商 We come at it from many angles, we confer
我们在评估她 After assessing her,
我们立即安排呼吸插管 we immediately initiated orotracheal intubation.
谢天谢地 目前没有影响心脏 Thankfully, it hasn't affected her heart at this point.
我们不知道感染的确切性质 We don't know the exact nature of the infection yet,
但我们注射了广谱抗生素 but we got her on a broad spectrum of antibiotics.
右肺在对抗严重感染 battling critical infection
以肋隔隐窝为中心 centering around the costodiaphragmatic recess.
我们的理论是耐甲氧西林 Our theory is methicillin-resistant
对抗金色葡萄球菌 staphylococcus aureus.
“葡萄菌 ” 等等 是 “球菌” 吗？ Staphyl Hold on. That's a "P"?
是的 Yeah.
是 “球菌” 还是 “杆菌” That's an "F" or a "P-H"?
“杆菌” 不 是金色葡萄球菌 P-H. No. It's staphylococcus
真让我安心 不是吗？ That was very reassuring, wasn't it?
显然昏迷 有好的和坏的 Apparently, there are good and bad comas,
她的那种 and the kind that they put her in,
医学昏迷 肯定是 the medically-induced coma, are definitely, like,
好的那种昏迷 the good kind of coma.
你知道 碳水化台物也分好坏？ Like You know how there are good and bad carbs?
小精灵 可以分好坏 Gremlins. Those can be good or bad.
听着 库米尔 Listen, Kumail Uh
我们来处理 好吗？ We're gonna handle things from here, okay?
你帮了大忙了 You've been very helpful.
谢谢 签字 还有 Thank you for For signing the thing, and
嗯 我很乐意 Yeah, my pleasure.
但是 嗯 你现在可以走了 But, uh, you can go now.
- 是的 嗯 - 好吗 - Okay. Um - All right?
好吧 All right.
中东和平 Peace in the Mideast.
这个呢？ What about this?
我看见一只嗅探犬在机场 I saw a sniffer dog at the airport.
他有个错误 He had a boner.
那是指毒品还是炸弹？ Does that mean drugs or bombs?
很好 如果 That's good. What if
不用机场 What if instead of it being at the airport,
而是你退出喜剧 永远不再从事喜剧？ you quit comedy and never do comedy ever again?
是的 Yeah.
操 这是个很好的段子 Fuck you! It's a good bit.
为了公众考虑 That's a funny bit.
他们不会再 Just for the sake of the public that they wouldn't have
看你的脸或听到你的话 那是 to look at your face or hear your words. That's
我不去也没关系吧？ Hey, it's okay that I'm not there, right?
貌似我并不需要去那里 对吗？ Like I don't need to be there, right?
怎么了？发生了什么事？ What's up? What happened?
他让他的女朋友昏迷不醒 He put his girlfriend in a coma.
- 是的 - 是的 - Yeah. - Yeah.
- 你知道 你的方式 - 她不是我女朋友 - You know, the way you do. - She's not my girlfriend.
不是他女友 但他签字了 He didn't, but he signed
允许医生把 a paper that allowed doctors to put
他只是建议 He suggested it.
她会没事的 She's gonna be fine.
她会没事的 他们说会好的 She's gonna be fine. They said she's gonna be fine, so
他们会没事的 医疗的事医生懂 They're gonna be fine. Doctors know medical stuff.
嗯 Mmm-hmm.
医生的天职 他们很擅长医学 That's what doctors do. They're good at medical stuff.
这是医学昏迷 This is a medically-induced coma.
他们的专长 This is their specialty.
也许 Maybe.
这可能是一件好事 You know, it might be a good thing.
她醒来时 可能学会新的技能 Like, she might wake up with a new skill.
就像我的表弟 曾经死过去 Like, my cousin, uh, blacked out once, and then,
他醒来后 学会了另一种语言 when he came to, he thought he knew a different language.
- 是吗？ - 没有 显然 这是 - Did he? - No. Apparently, it was
他的胡言乱语 It was just gibberish that he made up.
是脑损伤 It was brain damage.
我又想到了墨西哥塔可钟的段子 I got another Taco Bell one.
你忘了什么吗？ Did you forget somethin'?
- 她醒了吗？ - 不 她没有 - Is she up yet? - No, she's not.
他们不会告诉我们任何事 And, uh, they won't tell us anything.
我们整个上午都在这里 We've been here all morning.
我知道你们说不需要我留下来 I know you guys said that you don't need me to stay,
但我想等等 but I think I'm just gonna wait anyway.
你们分手了 You guys broke up.
我不知道你为什么在这里 I'm not sure why you're here.
你不用担心 You don't have to worry
任何承诺 库米尔 about being committed to anything, Kumail.
她醒着的时候 你没有承诺 You didn't want to when she was awake.
没必要在她昏迷的时候做 There's no need to do it when she's unconscious.
情况比较复杂 It's more complicated than that.
是吗？ 因为我知道两天的规矩 Is it? 'Cause I know about the two-day rule.
我知道照片盒的秘密 I know about the head shots and the secrets.
她告诉我们一切 She tells us everything.
你真的不必留下 库米尔 You really don't have to stay, Kumail.
你已经做了很多 You have already done a lot.
我只想呆一会儿 I'm just gonna stay for a second.
这个位子 好的 Is this seat Okay.
那位女士还在看着我吗？ Is Is that lady still looking at me?
哦 嘿 Oh. Hey.
奎瓦斯先生 请到托斯卡多医生处 Mr. Cuevas, please see Dr. Toscado.
嘿 Yeah.
来吧 没有理由 Yeah, come on. There's no reason, uh
你一个人吃饭 对吧 亲爱的？ Should eat there by yourself, right, hon?
这是自由国家 It's a free country.
你的三明治怎么样？ How's your sandwich?
我吃过最棒的三明治 Best fuckin' sandwich I ever had.
我的很好 Mine's good.
吃金枪鱼总像赌博 但是 Tuna's always a gamble, but,
你知道 我没在水边 you know, we're not by the water.
好吧 我们是在水边 但这里是湖泊 Well, we are by the water. But it's a lake.
湖里没有金枪鱼 There's no tuna in the lake.
无论如何 我掷骰子了 Whatever. I I threw the dice.
我得到了七 我猜 I got the sevens, I guess.
再好的骰子号码都无所谓 Whatever Whatever the good dice number is.
所以 So, uh
911事件 9/11.
不 我是说 No, I mean
我一直想谈谈 I've always wanted to have a conversation with
这个话题 About it.
与别人 With people.
你从没和人谈过911事件？ You've never talked to people about 9/11?
没有 你的 你的立场是什么？ No, what's your What's your stance?
我的911立场是什么？ What's my stance on 9/11?
呃 Oh, um
反对者 Anti.
这是个悲剧 It was a tragedy.
我的意思是我们失去了19个最好的人 （指的是死掉19个劫机歹徒） I mean, we lost 19 of our best guys.
嗯？ Huh?
那是个玩笑 显然 That was a joke. Obviously.
911是个可怕的悲剧 9/11 was a terrible tragedy,
开玩笑 不好笑的 and it's not funny to joke about it.
加德纳先生和太太 Mr. and Mrs. Gardner,
请到ICU报到 please report to the ICU.
加德纳先生和太太 Mr. and Mrs. Gardner
- 好吧 快走 - 请到ICU 谢谢 - All right. Come on. - To the ICU. Thank you.
嘿 我能来吗？ Hey, can I come?
- 不 - 可以 - No. - Yeah.
可以 Yeah.
随便 Whatever.
你好 进来 Hello, come in.
请坐 Please, have a seat.
我知道这不是你希望的消息 I know this isn't the news you were hoping for,
但我们还没打算把艾米丽从昏迷中弄醒 but we aren't ready to bring Emily out of the coma yet.
哦 Oh.
为什么？发生什么事了？ Why? Uh, what happened?
抗生素不是我们希望的那样 The antibiotics aren't doing what we'd hoped they would,
我们不想乱搞 and we don't want to mess around,
明天早上我们要做手术 so tomorrow morning, we're gonna perform surgery
以消除感染 to remove the infection.
等一下 Oh, wait one second.
斯派曼医生说抗生素会起作用 Dr. Spellman told us that the antibiotics would work.
是的 Yeah.
我的意思是 他没有提起任何手术 I mean, he didn't say anything at all about surgery.
那什么意思？手术？什么样的手术？ So what does that mean? Surgery? What kind of surgery?
胸腔穿刺术 常见手术 It's called thoracentesis. It's a very common procedure.
我们要在肋骨之间切除感染 We're gonna go in between the ribs and remove the infection.
请问怎么拼写的？ 那是什么？ How do you spell that, please? And what is it?
怎么写？最后一部分是什么？ What's the name? What's the last part?
- 这是什么？ - 我们要切除它 - Thora - And the infection is is
- 在肺上 - “胸腔” “胸腔” 什么？ - On the lung. - "Thora" what? "Thora" what?
- 我们要把它切除 - 那是什么？ - And we're going to remove it. - What is it?
胸腔穿刺术C E N E S Thoracentesis. C-E-N-T-E-S-I-S.
- 有什么风险？ - 常规手术 - And what's the risk? - It's a common thing
- 他们做的？ - 风险低 - that they do? - Low. Yes.
我的忠告是 My advice to you
回家 吃东西 is that you go home, you get something to eat,
试着放松 and try to relax.
她把灯开着 嗯？ She left the lights on, huh?
我最喜欢的毛衣 My favorite sweater.
- 我要做些调查 - 哦 嘿 - I'm gonna do some research. - Oh, hey.
那是我给她的书 That's the book I gave her.
不 我给她的 No, I gave her that one.
你的小本子呢 医生的那本？ Hey, do you have that little notebook from the doctor's?
- 这是我给她的那本书 - 嗯 - This is the book I gave her. - Uh
我马上把艾米丽的房间收拾干净 I'm just gonna clean up Emily's room real quick.
不 我记得 No, I I remember.
我在炸豆丸子地方见过她 I met her at the Falafel place,
然后我们去了那家书店 and then we went to that bookstore
几乎没有打开过 我买给她的 that's hardly ever open, and I bought it for her.
你不是唯一给她东西的人 You're not the only one who gives her things.
你怎么了？ What's up with you?
我只是厌倦了 你认为 I'm just tired of you thinking
只有你给过她东西 you're the only one who gives her things.
我把那本书给她了 I gave her that book.
- 看看题词 - 不 那太蠢了 - Look at the inscription. - No. No, that's stupid.
- 嘿 库米尔 - 嗨 - Hey, uh, Kumail. - Hey.
哦 嘿 抱歉 Oh. Hey. Sorry.
不是想给你惊喜 Didn't mean to surprise you.
我只是想知道 我们可以随意吗？ I was just wondering, are we gonna do anything?
- 你有什么客厅游戏吗？ - 我没有 - You got any parlor games? - I I don't
什么是客厅游戏？ What are parlor games?
纸牌游戏 文字游戏 Card games. Word games.
玩字游戏吗？ Play any word games?
- 不 我从来没有 - 你玩过 - Um, no, I've never - You ever play
- 你不会押韵吗？ - 怎么玩？ - You Can't Rhyme It? - How does that go?
嗯 基本上 It's Eh, basically, you know,
你找一个词 真正的词 you try to find out a word, a real word,
- 没人能押韵 - 好的 - that nobody can rhyme. - Okay.
- 然后 - 巨石阵 - And then - Stonehenge.
看 你会赢的 Yeah, see, you would win.
- 啊 嗯 - 那算你赢 - Ah. Hmm. - Yeah. That'd be a winner.
我不玩棋盘游戏 我玩 I don't play board games. I play, like
- 我玩电子游戏 - 这就是问题 - I play video games. - That's the thing.
现在每个人都需要 比如任天堂 Everybody now needs, like, you know, a Nintendo.
游戏玩意 电子的1000美元 A game thing. The thing. Electronics. $1,000.
我小时候 一块粉笔 一条人行道 When I was a kid, piece of chalk and a pavement,
这就是你的娱乐 and that's your entertainment.
跳房子 井字游戏 Hopscotch. Tic-tac-toe.
把粉笔扔向吉米 Throw the chalk at Jimmy.
你看 三场比赛就有了 There you go. Three games right there.
吉米是真人？ Jimmy was a real guy?
是啊 我没有特指吉米 Yeah, well, I mean, there was no particular Jimmy.
不管谁被粉笔击中 You know, whoever got hit with the chalk,
他是吉米 he was the Jimmy.
呃 Uh
我只是想 找点事做 I'm just trying to figure out, you know, what to do.
是的 今晚我有事 Yeah. I Tonight's no good for me.
我很乐意 但是 I'd love to, but, um
其实我 我今晚真的很鸡搔 I'm actually, uh I'm actually gigging tonight,
这是我们的行业词汇 which is, like, an industry word we use
比如我们有表演之类的 for when we do, like, shows and stuff, so
- 真的？ - 是的 - Really? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
大型蒙特利尔喜剧音乐节海选即将到来 There's a big Montreal Comedy Festival audition coming up,
我真的是今晚的领衔 所以 and, um I'm actually headlining tonight, so, yeah.
哦 喔 嘿 Oh, wow. Hey.
我应该走了 I should I should Run on out.
哇 太酷了 我没去过喜剧俱乐部 Wow, that's cool. I haven't been to a comedy club since
从1980年以后 Oh, boy. Since the '80s, right?
丽塔·拉德娜 在卡罗琳家 Rita Rudner over at Caroline's.
- 记得吗 亲爱的？ - 上帝 我 - Remember that, hon? - Christ. I
胸腔积液 脓胸 A pleural effusion of the empyema.
也许我们该去 嗯？ Maybe we should go, huh?
也许我们该去看库米尔的秀 怎么样？ Maybe we should go to Kumail's show. What do you think?
- 那不是很有趣吗？ - 天啊 - Wouldn't that be fun? - Oh, my God!
- 这些照片太恐怖了 - 好了 听着 - These pictures are horrible. - Okay, listen.
我们为什么不和他去喜剧俱乐部呢？ Why don't we go to the comedy club with him?
会让我们暂时忘却现在的事情 And this It'll take our mind off of things right now.
我不想忘却什么 泰瑞 I don't want to take my mind off it, Terry.
我们的女儿明天要做手术 Our daughter's having surgery tomorrow.
拜托 Please.
- 这是公平角度 - 请听我说 - That's a fair point. - Please, please listen.
我需要分心 I need the distraction.
- 那你为什么不去呢 - 不 - Well, then why don't you go? - No.
我要你和我一起去 I want you to come with me.
我不想一个人去 I don't want to go alone.
好 但我要带上我的iPad Okay. But I'm bringing my iPad.
啊 票卖完了 Ah, it's sold out.
我应该早说 I should have said it
在你们整个讨论之前 before you guys had the whole discussion.
很快就卖完了 It sold out, like, super quickly.
他们对卖得多快感到震惊 They were shocked at how quickly it sold out.
- 比如 - 你可以带我们进去 - Like - Well, you can get us in.
你是头牌吧？你说过 You're the headliner, right? That's what you said.
如果你是头牌 I mean, if you're the headliner,
多两人没问题吧？ you can get two more in, right?
- 不错的主意 - 嗯 - That's a good point. - Yeah.
我们坐后面 好吗？我们坐在后面 We'll sit in the back, right? We'll sit in the back.
那里有卖食物吗？ They got food there?
他们有华夫炸薯条 Yeah, they've got waffle fries and, um
嗯 Yeah.
医院也有华夫饼薯条 The hospital had the waffle fries, too.
对 Right.
我 实际上我从未去过巴基斯坦 I I actually have never been to Pakistan.
我父母搬来这里读研究生 My parents moved here for grad school,
然后他们就呆在这里 and then they just stayed here.
我从没去过加拿大 I've never even been to Canada.
库米尔什么时候来？ So, um, when is Kumail coming?
他正赶来 对吧 纳维德？ He's coming. Right, NAVEED?
- 啊 是的 - 交通问题 - Ah. Huh. - Traffic.
我听说交通堵到天 I heard there's, uh, bumper-to-bumper traffic
在丹瑞安高速公路 on the Dan Ryan Expressway.
- 这很奇怪 因为 - 你知道高峰时间 - That's weird, because - You know, rush hour.
我是从丹瑞安高速公路来的 I took the Dan Ryan Expressway here.
你爸爸的姐姐 What is your dad's sister's
最爱的舞蹈的音乐是什么？ favorite kind of music to dance to?
- 艾米丽的父母来了 - 阿姨 阿姨 阿姨 阿姨（嘻哈音乐） - Emily's parents are here. - Aunts, aunts, aunts, aunts.
- 今晚？为什么？- 懂吗 “阿姨” - Tonight? Why? - Get it? 'Cause it's "aunt."
此乃 “阿姨” It's "aunts." It's "aunts."
好吧 算了 All right, forget it. All right.
这儿有人从城外来的吗？ Uh, is anybody here from out of town?
好吧 有几个 All right, a few, a few.
你叫什么名字 先生？ What's your name, sir?
我 泰利 Uh, Terry.
泰利 你旁边的这位可爱的女士是谁？ Terry. And, uh, who's this lovely lady next to you?
天哪 那是艾米丽的爸爸 Oh, my God. That's Emily's dad.
那是熊吗？小泰迪熊？ Is that cloth? Little terry cloth?
是贝丝 It's Beth.
贝丝 差不多嘛 Beth. That's pretty close.
他为什么要这么做？ Why would he do this?
泰利 贝丝 你们从哪里来？ Terry, Beth, where you guys from?
- 北卡罗来纳州 - 哦 - We're from North Carolina. - Ooh.
北卡罗莱纳州 焦油脚人 North Carolina. Tar Heel state.
- 别说了 - 哦 - Stop. Stop it. - Oh.
甜甜圈的家 焦油脚人 什么风把你吹来芝加哥？ （焦油脚人 美国北卡罗来纳州人的绰号） Home of Krispy Kreme donuts. What brings you to Chicago?
我们的女儿昏迷了 Our daughter's in a coma.
嗯 那么 你是哪里人？ Yeah, uh, how What, uh Where are you from?
好了 很晚了 Okay, it's getting late.
- 我该走了 - 不 - I should go. - No, no, no.
- 贝托 他会来的 - 等等 - Betho, betho. He will be here. - Hold on, hold on.
我应该给他打电话 我这就打 I think I should call him up. I'll just call him up.
你好？库-比？ Hello? Kum-beta?
你什么意思 谁在打电话？ What do you mean, who's calling?
你父亲 This is your father.
好的 好的 Okay, okay, okay.
他随时会来 He will be here any moment.
纳维德 我只是假装打电话 你给他打电话了吗？
100次了 没有反应
我应该把事情弄清楚 I I think I should make something clear. Um
我能理解你在说什么
我记得你说过 你从没去过巴基斯坦
我从来没去过 但我们在家里说乌尔都语
对从未去过巴基斯坦的人 你的乌尔都语说得很好
谢谢
你想唱歌吗？
我想给我的孩子取名为无效 I want to name my kid Void,
这样他就不能兑现他的工资了 so he won't be able to cash any of his paychecks.
“对不起 先生 这上面写着无效” "I'm sorry, sir, this says 'Void' on it."
“但这是我的名宇” "But that's my name.
“诅咒你 父亲” "Curse you, Father!"
我在银行二楼工作 I work on the second floor of the bank
- 在这个幻想场景中 - 回伊斯兰国吧 - in this fantasy scenario. - Go back to ISIS.
他刚才这么说吗？ Did he just say that?
吐司是一种非常奇怪的食物 Toast is a really strange food.
你刚才说什么？ What What did you just say?
你用面包做的 You put bread, and you make it
没什么 算了 It was nothing. Come on.
我说 他应该回伊斯兰国去 I said he should go back to ISIS.
- 面包是唯一的食物 - 不 我是说 - Toast is the only food - No, I mean,
这是立场混乱 that is a really confusing position.
我指 你想有更多伊斯兰国教徒？ I mean, do you want ISIS to have more people?
不 我是说 - No, I was saying that
大伙猜怎么着？这里有个伊斯兰国的招聘人员 Guess what, everybody? We got an ISIS recruiter here.
好吧 很高兴我们弄清真相了 All right, glad we got to the bottom of that.
烤面包就像 Toast is like a
你凭什么这么说？ What is it about him that made you say that?
我想我们知道答案 我没有 I think we know what the answer is. I don't
女士 我没有跟你说话 Lady, I wasn't talking to you.
他怎么了？ What is it about him?
我们不必沿路走下去 We don't have to go down this path.
适可而止 We know what's at the end of it
就凭他的长相 'Cause of how he looks.
就在那儿 There it is.
这就像说 That is like saying
兄弟会男孩 戴着乡村俱乐部的帽子 that all frat boys wearing country club hats
穿着夏威夷衬衫 and Hawaiian shirts
都长着干瘪的 超小 小老二 have shriveled-up, tiny, little dicks.
好吧 事实上 贝丝 Okay, actually Actually, Beth,
你的发现并不好 但他是对的 this is a bad way for you to find out, but he's right.
我其实是个恐怖分子 I actually am a terrorist.
我只是兼职演喜剧 I just do stand-up comedy on the side
保持低调 to keep a low profile.
操你妈 Fuck you.
首先 非常聪明 First of all, very clever.
什么？你 你在家里写的吗？ What? Did you Did you write that at home?
面包 Toast
- 很奇怪 - 去你妈的 - is a very strange - Fuck you!
- 操你妈 - 不 操你 - Fuck you. - No, fuck you.
你是个婊子 你知道吗？ You're a bitch, you know that?
操你妈 Fuck you!
喔 喔 喔 喔 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
不 听好了 Hey, no. No, no, no, no. No. Listen.
妈的杀了你 Fucking kill you!
你他妈的电话号码是多少？ What's your fucking phone number?
对不起 各位 Sorry, everybody.
抱歉 I'm sorry.
我 事实上我不抱歉 I I'm not sorry, actually,
因为你是 一个可怕的人 'cause you're a terrible person.
我不想在大家面前踢你的屁股 I don't want to kick your ass here in front of everybody.
是的 没错 Yeah, that's right.
我有等级证书的 混蛋 明白吗？ I got levels, motherfucker. Okay?
壮士一去兮不复返 This elevator goes all the way fucking down,
你这个混蛋 you fucking prick!
我要泡茶 I think I'll make tea.
事实上我会开瓶酒 Actually, I'll open a bottle of wine.
事实上 艾米丽有威士忌吗 Actually, um, does Emily have whiskey?
在冰箱顶上 On top of the fridge.
所以 联赛还不错吧？ So, uh, Cubs doing good, huh?
我对棒球一无所知 I don't know anything about baseball.
不懂？嗯 No? Hmm.
我很抱歉 I'm so sorry about that.
刚才 That was
我只是有点失控了 I just sort of lost control.
- 我觉得很性感 - 我也是 - I thought it was sexy. - Me, too.
不止性感 Not like sexy,
是超级性感 不是激昂性感 but like cool sexy, not like aroused sexy.
我不会再说 “性感” 二字了 I'm gonna not say "sexy" anymore.
你们想找点吃的吗？ Hey, you guys want to get something to eat?
我知道你们有惯例 I know you guys got a formula.
我去看过几场表演了 You know, I've been to a couple shows now.
总是这样吗？ So is it always like that?
- 今晚这样？ - 有的 - Oh, like tonight? - Yeah.
不过通常是其他老妈救场 No, usually a different mom comes in to help me.
我在开玩笑 其实 I'm joking. No, it's
不是一直都这样 不然我辞职了 It's not always like that. I'd quit if it was.
- 我有个笑话 不 - 不 泰利 不要 - Here's a joke. No. - No. Terry, don't.
泰利搞笑的技术 就跟葬礼放屁一样 Terry's about as funny as a fart at a funeral.
不 这很好笑 好段子 No. This is funny. This is a funny one.
- 好 - 听好了 - Okay. - All right.
长颈鹿走进酒吧 A giraffe walks into a bar,
他对酒保说 “我请你们喝高球” and he says to the bartender, "Highballs on me."
你懂笑点么？ You get it, right?
笑话讲完了？ Oh, that was the end of the joke?
当然 Yeah, of course it was.
- 整个玩笑？ - 全部笑话 - That was the whole joke? - That's the joke.
这就是它的妙处 嘣 That's the beauty of it. Boom.
- 我以为还有更多 - 但你找到笑点了吗？ - I thought there was more. - But you get it?
他是长颈鹿 个子高 He's giraffe, he's tall,
所以他的睾丸很高 道理是这样的 so it would stand to reason, his testicles are high.
- 嗯 - 海波（高球）是一种饮料 - Yeah. - And a highball is a drink.
而你却说我不解风趣 And you ruined it by saying I wasn't funny first.
- 就是这样 - 不 我没有 - That's what it was. - No. No.
不 很好 我喜欢笑话 No, it's good. I like my jokes,
解释很彻底 like, thoroughly explained.
你只是在破坏 你破了我的高球（海波） You're just busting You're bustin' my highballs.
耶 Yeah.
哈 嗯 Hmm. Mmm-hmm.
复杂回味 火焰般的嘴感 Complex finish, flamboyant mouth-feel.
很好 你怎么样？ Good. How about you?
- 轮到我了？- 是的 - My turn? - Yeah.
嗯 Mmm-hmm.
水果向前冲 Fruit-forward.
绝对是好词 水果向前冲 Good term, absolutely. Fruit-forward.
- 是的 不 - 我印象深刻 - - Yeah. No. - I'm impressed.
这就像开着运酒车 This one It's in the front seat.
- 前排就座 - 绝对 是的 - It's driving the wine car. - Exactly. It is.
我喜欢葡萄酒 因为巴斯 I like wine 'cause of the buzz.
她是轻量级段子手 贝丝 Mmm. She's a bit of a lightweight, Beth.
- 泰利也是 - 拜托 - So is Terry. - Come on.
他会昏倒在沙发上 不用一小时 He'll be passed out on the sofa in less than an hour.
胡说八道 你知道那不是真的 Aah. That's nonsense. You know that's not true.
∮ You don't want to see me hangin' on ∮
今晚本不该你上节目的吧？ You weren't supposed to be on the show tonight, were you?
我今晚的节目？ Oh, me, on the show tonight?
必须的 我是头牌 Yeah, I was. I was the headliner.
∮ You said I was a complicated boy ∮
好吧 Okay.
我撒谎要演出 I lied about the show
是为了摆脱你们 to get out of hanging out with you guys,
然后我还撤谎领衔 and then I lied about headlining
来打动你们 to impress you guys.
嗯 那行不通 Well, that didn't work.
还有 我想我和你女儿搞砸了 Also, I think I screwed up with your daughter.
是的 Yeah.
你做到了 You did.
我不知道人们是怎么做到的 当他们家人生病的时候 I don't know how people do it when their family's sick.
我叔叔卢 他得了癌症 My Uncle Lew, he got cancer.
然后中风 然后心脏病发作 Then he had a stroke, then a heart attack.
然后他又复发了癌症 Then he had a recurrence of the cancer.
但你知道是什么杀了他吗？ But you know what killed him?
- 癌症？ - 车祸 - Cancer? - Car accident.
我们以为是心脏病发作 We think maybe it was a heart attack
他开车的时候还有癌症 while he was driving, and he did still have cancer, too.
你知道吗？ And you know what?
他一生都在吃豆芽 He ate sprouts his whole fucking life.
30年没吃蛋黄了 Hadn't had a yolk in 30 years.
∮ Then I won't stand in your way ∮
我不知道今晚怎么入睡 I don't know how I'm gonna sleep tonight.
你想化悲愤为食量吗？ You want to stress eat?
操 是的 Fuck, yeah.
上帝 Oh, my God.
我知道 “最引人注目的” I know. "Most noticeable."
现在 等等 Oh, now, now, hold on, hold on.
还有更多 看啊 There's more. Look.
传说中的墓地 拍的照 The legendary cemetery photo shoot.
上帝 Oh. Oh My God.
- 不 - 哦 哇 - Nah! - Oh! Wow!
我看的时候 笑到抽筋 Oh. I laughed so hard when I saw these,
她对我很生气 she got so So mad at me.
你得把他叫醒 You're gonna wake him up.
你在开玩笑吧？他怎么样都睡得着 Are you kidding? He could sleep though anything.
- 嘿 泰利 - 嘘 - Hey, Terry! - Shh!
你和泰利是怎么认识的？ How did you and Terry meet?
我念东卡罗莱纳大学 I was, um, going to East Carolina University.
我在等桌子 And I was, um, waiting tables,
我们在咖啡店认识的 and, you know, we met at this coffee shop.
我在等他的桌子 I was waiting on him,
我喜欢他的发型 you know, and I liked his hair.
他是老师 He was a teacher already, you know.
纽约口音很浓 Thick New York accent,
我从未见过这样的人 like like nobody I'd ever met, you know.
我完全错了 Totally wrong for me.
自然地 我们坠入了爱河 So, naturally, we fell in love.
我的家人受不了他 My family could not stand him.
我家祖传军人 陆军飞行员 We're all military people. Army pilots.
我的兄弟们都踢足球 All my brothers played football.
泰利连轮胎都没换过 Terry couldn't even change a tire.
我父亲生我气了 My father got so mad at me,
他砸碎了所有餐盘 he broke every dinner plate we had.
那时有活动 去加油站 Now back then, um, you go to the gas station,
加满油 就会送餐盘 you fill up your tank, you get a dinner plate.
哦 Oh.
但一次一个 例如茶杯 茶托 But just one at a time, like cup, saucer.
花了一年的时间 才揍齐一套 It took a year of fill-ups to get the whole set back.
而泰利 泰利一直这么搞 And Terry Terry just stuck around.
最终 Eventually,
他们都关张了 they just all got over it.
- 就这么没了？ - 嗯 - They just got over it? - Mm-hmm.
什么意思？ How?
很多次乱七八糟的晚餐 Lots of fucked-up dinners.
你父母是怎么认识的 库米尔？ How'd your parents meet, Kumail?
包办婚烟 如你所知 So we have arranged marriage, as you know,
集体看电影 and a big group got together to go see a movie,
实际上是圈套 but really it was just a set-up
便于我妈和我爸见面 so my mom and my dad could meet.
他们看的什么电影？ What movie did they see?
我不知道 I have no idea.
我从没问过 I never asked.
- 她很棒 你知道吗？ - 嗯 - She's great, you know? - Yeah.
我知道 I know.
我对手术感觉很好 I feel good about the surgery.
我也是 这些医生懂他们在做什么 Yeah. Me, too. These doctors know what they're doing.
不 他们不知道 No, they don't.
他们是即兴表演 像其他人一样 They're just winging it like everybody else.
他妈的 Oh fuck.
嘿 是我 Hey, it's me.
我试着做巴基斯坦菜 So, um, I tried making some Pakistani food,
给你惊喜 不是我厨艺不好 uh, to surprise you, and either I'm a bad cook
就是巴基斯坦食物都很可怕 or all Pakistani food is terrible.
我还不知道 再见 I don't know yet. Bye!
嘿 是我 如果你想过来 Hey, it's me. Um, if you just want to come over
然后吻我两秒钟 and, like, kiss me for two seconds,
我真的很喜欢今晚 I'd really love that tonight.
好的 再见 Okay, bye.
嘿 是我 你想不想约在画廊？ Hey, it's me. So, uh, did you want to meet at the gallery?
上帝 Oh, my God!
上帝 一只鸟撞了我的头 Oh, my God! A bird just hit me in the head!
我的天 我没开玩笑 Oh, my God! I'm not kidding!
我马上给你回电话 天哪 没事吧？ I'll call you right back. Oh, my God, is it okay?
肺部周围的感染已经被清除 The infection around the lungs has been removed.
我们应能尽快把她弄醒 We should be able to pull her out soon.
哦 孩子 Oh, boy! Whew.
哦 那么 多快？ Oh. Well, how soon?
她应该在明天早上醒来 She should be up by tomorrow morning at the latest.
哦 喔 Oh, wow.
我们还会用胸腔穿刺术测试胸腔液 以便采用 We'll also test the pleural fluid from the thoracentesis
更有针对性的 抗生素治疗方案 to create a more targeted antibiotic strategy.
- 这算好消息吗？ - 算好消息 - So this is good news? - It's very good news.
- 是的 - 我们再观察她 - Yeah. - We'll just hold on to her
几天 她就可以出院了 for a few more days, and then you can have her back.
她是个斗士 对吧？ She's a fighter, right?
是的 Yes.
我很担心 I was so worried.
新闻上看到火车出轨 We saw on the news that a train derailed,
我们以为你在火车上 and we thought that you were on the train,
你已经死了 and you had died.
没人死在火车上面 妈 Nobody died on that train, Ma.
那他们有没有检查火车下面？ But did they look under the train?
昨晚你在哪？你在做什么？ So where were you last night? What were you doing?
没什么 我什么都没做 Nothing. I wasn't doing anything.
- 库米尔？ - 好吧 我交代 - Kumail? - All right, I'll tell you.
- 交代吧 - 我 - Tell. - I was
我在法学院入学考试复习 I was studying for the LSAT.
- 真的？ - 嗯 - Really? - Yup.
我报名了 如果通过 我要上法学院 I signed up, and if I pass, I'm going to go to law school
成为一名律师 and become a lawyer
从事法律事务 and do law.
嗯 Hmm.
让我看看那是谁 Oh, let me see who that could be.
- 真的吗 爸爸？ - 什么？ - Really, Dad? - What?
你说没人会来 只是 You said that nobody was going to come, it was just
- 只有我们 - 库米尔 你认识这个人吗？ - Gonna be just us. - Kumail, do you know this guy?
人们说的萨姆 People say Sam!
人们说的萨姆 你认识他吗？ People say Sam! Do you know him?
我认识他 Yeah, I know him.
他应该是星期六夜场的（SNL） He should be on Saturday Night Live.
SNL SNL.
人们不会说 “萨姆” 他们说 “萨朗姆”（你好） People don't say "Sam." They say salaam.
大家记得卡蒂嘉吗？ Everybody, you remember Khadija?
她顺道来的 She just dropped in.
她刚好在附近 She was just in the neighborhood.
她的父母 拉罕和蒂娜 And these are her parents, Rahan and Tina.
他们也是顺道 They also just dropped in.
- 你好 - 你好
于是她来了美国
她有三个孩子
事实上 她两个孩子留在巴基斯坦 当她来
我这么多次约会 I've just been on so many of these appointments,
从来没有和他们有共同点 and I just never have anything in common with the guys.
是的 Yeah.
当女同事向我抱怨约会的时候 You know, when girls at work complain to me about dating,
我只是 我想抱摔她们 I just I want to body-slam them.
她们没脑子 They have no idea.
- 对 - 我不知道 - Right. - I don't know.
我妈妈说我变得像伤痕累累的苹果 My mom says I'm becoming like the bruised apple
在苹果桶的底部 at the bottom of the apple bucket.
- 不 你不是 - 嗯 - No. No, no, no, you're not. - Yeah.
- 我是的 - 不 你不是 - I am. - No, you're not.
你想出去玩吗？ So, do you want to hang out sometime?
不带父母 Like, without our parents.
你去过猫咖啡馆吗？ Have you been to the Cat Café?
猫咪向你走来 The cats just come up to you
蜷缩在你的大腿上 你爱抚猫咪 and nestle in your lap, and you just pet them.
我不认为这是个好主意 I don't think that's a good idea.
你不喜欢 猫咪？ You don't like cats?
我的意思是 I mean
我不认为我们再约是个好主意 I don't think it's a good idea for us to hang out again.
不是你的问题 It's not you.
你太棒了 You're fantastic.
我只是不能授受包办婚姻 I just can't do this arranged marriage thing.
和任何人 With anybody.
那你为什么要见我？ So why did you meet me?
这不是我的主意 It wasn't my idea.
我只是太累了 I'm just really tired.
你是否想过某段感情中 Do you ever want to just be in a relationship
终于不用太紧张？ so you can just finally relax?
对不起 I'm sorry.
你应该得到比我更好的 You deserve better than me.
人们总是告诉我我应得的 People always telling me what I deserve.
这是胡址 It's bullshit.
别对所有的事感到抱歉 And stop being so sorry about everything.
我要走了 I'm gonna go.
你知道吗？我看过X档案 And do you know what? I watched The X-Files.
三整集 很难看的剧集 Like, three whole episodes, and it's a bad show.
他们应称此网站为 Wow, they should call this web site,
“一切都是癌症.com” "everything is cancer dot-com."
无论你有什么症状 都可能是癌症 Whatever symptom you put in, it could be cancer.
打隔可能是癌症 拜托 Hiccups could be cancer. Come on.
打隔也有段子 Take the fun out of hiccups now.
但这里是芝加哥第十七好的医院？ But, you know, this is the 17th best hospital in Chicago?
- 真的？总数是多少？ - 我不知道 - Really? Out of how many? - I don't know.
但排名第一的是西北大学医院 But Northwestern's number one.
他们怎么计算的 How do they rate,
- 采用什么方法？ - 我不知道 泰利 - or what's the methodology? - I don't know, Terry.
但第十七够糟糕了 But 17th is bad.
不太好 除非取样范围是 It's not great. Unless the sample size is
你知道 取决于样本总数 You know, that all depends.
这里 看看评论 Here, look at the comments.
这就是我不想上网的原因 This is why I don't want to go online
因为从来没有好评 'cause it's never good.
网上 他们讨厌阿甘 You go online, they hated Forrest Gump.
有史以来最棒的电影 Frickin' best movie ever.
是的 我明白 Yeah, I know.
嗯 不 没多久 Well, it, no, it hasn't been that long.
大概三小时吧 Like, three hours, maybe.
我 好吧 我得走了 Oh, hey, I I All right, I got to go.
- 泰利 你好 - 嘿 - Terry, hi. - Hey.
- 我们能谈谈吗？ - 嗯 - Can we talk? - Yeah, yeah.
好的 Okay.
我们拿到了活检结果 We got the biopsy results.
不幸的是 没有定论 They are, unfortunately, inconclusive.
我们很担心 因为可能是 Uh, we're concerned because it is also
等等 那是什么意思？ Well, wait, wait, what does that mean?
可能是俱略性的 意思是 It means it's aggressive. It means that
我是说 他们不能确诊病因 I mean, they They couldn't find out what
也无法分析病毒的 the disease was or where the
原发地 细菌什么的 无论什么 Where the virus came from, the bacteria, whatever.
但他们清除了 But they took out the infection,
- 感染应该问题不大 - 我知道 这正是我说过的 - so it shouldn't matter. - I know. That's what I said.
但是她的生命体征没有正常化 But, uh, her vitals didn't normalize.
现在他们说感染 And now they say, the infection,
还在继续扩散 现在到肾脏了 it's continuing to spread. It's in her kidneys now.
但是肾脏离肺部太远了 But the kidneys are so far from the lungs.
我知道 I know.
这是主动感染 而且他们说 It's an aggressive infection, and they said
他们现在要做的是 就是找出 what they got to do now is they just got to figure out
神秘疾病究竟是什么 what this mystery disease actually is.
啊 啊 啊 Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
我打电话给西北大学医院 I'm calling Northwestern.
- 等一下 - 泰利 该死的 - Just hold on, hold on. - Terry, Goddammit
我想我们应该谈谈 I think we should talk about
闭嘴 Shut up.
我受够了 泰利 我们转院 I'm sick of this shit, Terry. We're getting her out of here.
现在在清除 They're in the middle of the
治疗过程中 Of the whole process of elimination.
你是说西北大学医院不采用 So you're saying Northwestern can't take that information
信息并继续诊断？ and continue the search?
这地方是狗屎 对不起 This place is a shithole. I'm sorry.
安娜 能给我吗？ Anna, could I have that?
你先停一下好吗？ Will you just stop for a second, all right?
他们是医生 They are the doctors.
你的表现就像你很懂 You act like you know what you're talking about.
- 医生都不一样 - 你不 - Doctors are not the same. - You don't.
我找不到手机 I can't find my cell phone.
- 你有手机吗？ - 有 - You got a phone? - Yeah.
别给她 Don't give her the phone.
你不需要电话 Don't You don't need a phone.
你现在不需要打电话 You don't need to call anybody right now. The
这些专家在努力 而且 They're doing it. They're the experts here, and
- 我相信他们 - 很好 - And I trust them. - One, five
这很好 但我不信 Oh, well, that's very nice, but I don't.
你能解锁吗？ Can you unlock that thing?
所以他们排名17 There There's a reason they're number 17
而西北排第1 and Northwestern's number one.
并不是因为人们信任他们 谢谢 And that's not because people trust them. Thank you.
等等 你以为你比我聪明 Wait, you think you're smarter than me.
你说大话 You say big sentences.
好吧 其实你没有 Okay, well, you're not. You're not.
我不认为我比你聪明 I don't think I'm smarter than you.
你只是自己觉得没我这么聪明 You just don't think you're as smart as I am.
- 那不是我的错 - 对 这是 - That's not my fault. - Right, it's
这不是你的错 一切都是我的错 It's never your fault. Everything's my fault.
有些事情肯定是 Oh, there are some things that are definitely
你的错 just your fault.
好吧 胡扯 Okay, that's That's bullshit.
你要冷静下来 You need to stop freaking out and calm down.
你别再懦夫了 And you need to stop being a coward.
好吧 Right.
精选辑又来了 The greatest hits comin' back.
好的 你可以停下了 Okay, you can just Well, you can stop.
我会从记忆中回放其余部分 I'll I'll replay the rest of this from memory.
别走 听我说 Yeah, don't Listen to me
你有长颈鹿 Oh. You're giraffe-ing it.
店里卖的最大的东西 It's the biggest thing they had.
我甚至不知道她是否喜欢长颈鹿 I don't even know if she likes giraffes.
我们从来没有谈过 We never talked about
长颈鹿 giraffes.
他们知道自己在干什么吗？ Hey, do they know what they're doing?
因为他们什么都不告诉我们 'Cause they don't tell us anything.
比如莱姆病 Like, uh, Lyme disease.
那个女孩现实世界中得过此病 You know, the girl on The Real World had it.
- 你们研究过吗？ - 是的 我们做过 - Did you guys look for that? - Yes, we did.
她总是受到伤害 You know, she gets hurt all the time,
她最近伤了脚裸 会不会是狼疮？ and she messed up her ankle recently. Could that be lupus?
我们正在搜寻一切可能 Listen, we're looking into everything.
目前没有答案 We're not holding anything back from you.
我们只是在消除可能性 We're still just eliminating possibilities.
因为贝丝想把她移到西北医院 'Cause Beth wants to move her to Northwestern.
不 艾米丽不该被移动 No. Emily should not be moved.
医院需要批准 The hospital will approve it
不然会担责的 because it'll get the liability off their hands.
但我们让她昏迷是有原因的 But we put her in a coma for a reason,
为了稳定她 to stabilize her.
移动她 可能非常危险 Moving her could be very dangerous.
相信我 她和我们一样在抗争 Trust me, she is fighting this, and so are we.
嘿 泰利 我只才和他们谈过 Hey, Terry, I was just talking to the
- 你没事吧？- 嗯 - You okay? - Yeah.
当然 Yeah, of course.
完全没问题 Fine. Totally fine.
贝丝去了艾米丽家 所以 Just, uh Beth went to Emily, so, uh
我要在这里等他们赶我走 I'm gonna wait here till they kick me out, you know?
盯着她 Just keep an eye on her.
你想去我家打盹吗？ Do you want to crash at my place?
- 你有高尔夫频道吗？ - 没有 - You got Golf Channel? - No.
那不好笑 对吧？ That wasn't funny, right?
我没有 我认为目前应严肃点 Oh, I didn't I thought that was a serious question.
我们离开这鬼地方 Let's get the fuck out of here.
那么 So
就是这里了 This is the place.
啊 喔 Huh. Wow.
这地方太可怕了 This place is terrible.
我和朱迪护士谈过了 Hey, uh, I talked to Nurse Judy,
她说 and she was saying that, like,
搬动艾米丽 可能是个坏主意 moving Emily could be a bad idea.
真的？ Really?
是的 她说可能很危险 Yeah, she said it could be dangerous.
像是 Like, something
对 我听到了 Yeah, I hear you.
嗯 And Hmm.
我愿意付出一切 I just I'd give anything just to
如果能与艾米丽对换处境 trade places with Emily.
你知道吗？ You know?
身为父母 这是噩梦 Being a parent, it's It's a nightmare.
爱一个人 这种情况太糟 Loving somebody this much sucks.
是的 Yeah.
还有 And, uh,
我想你已经注意到了 I guess you've noticed the tension
贝丝和我之间的紧张关系 between Beth and me.
嗯 不 这真的 Uh, not really.
嗯 这不关我的事 Uh, it's none of my business,
- 所以我不想 - 对 这是 - so I don't try to - Yeah, well, it's
既来之 Uh, it's there.
则安之 Big-time.
真的很晚了 我们应该睡觉了 It's getting really late. We should go to sleep.
我背叛了她 I cheated on her.
妈的 Fuck.
真的 I did.
那只是一夜情 It was just a one-night stand.
- 是的 - 我们在某个酒吧相遇 - Okay. - We met at some bar
在辛辛那提 in Cincinnati.
开教师会议 They They have these teacher conferences.
哪个参加数学会议还会劈腿? Who goes to a math conference to get laid?
数学老师？ Math teachers?
是的 Yeah.
我觉得我很沮丧 I I think I was depressed.
- 就是这样 - 是的 - That's what it was. - Yeah.
我们明天再谈吧 Let's talk about it tomorrow.
好好睡一觉 Get a full night's sleep,
早上再说 tackle it fresh in the morning
她只是 闻起来很香 She just smelled so good.
太可怕了 It was horrible, too.
我－搞完 搞完后 As soon as I was finished, as soon as I'd finished,
我就说 “你他妈的做了什么？” I was like, "What did you fucking do?
“你刚刚做了什么？” "What did you just do?
“你做了什么？” "What did you do?"
你知道那个 You know, that that, uh,
瞬间的清醒 就在高潮之后 moment of clarity you get, right after an orgasm.
嗯 Yeah.
我马上告诉贝丝 I told Beth right away.
我必须这么做 I had to.
她很伤心 She was devastated.
现在她恨我 And now she hates me.
她可能会生你的气 但是 She might be mad at you, but
但她不恨你 But she doesn't hate you.
听她说话的方式 能看出来 Should've heard the way she was talking about you.
嗯 Mmm.
嘿 我能问你点事吗？ Hey, can I ask you something?
你为什么告诉她？ Why'd you tell her?
我不得不这么做 Oh, I had to.
我不擅长内疚 I'm no good with guilt.
你们谈过吗？ Do you guys talk about it?
后来没有 Not anymore.
她说她原谅了我 但是 She said she forgave me, but but, no.
她没有 She hasn't.
让我给你一些建议 库米尔 Let me give you some advice, Kumail.
与你共度余生的 You're gonna know the woman that you want to spend
那个女人 the rest of your life with
当你欺骗她的时候 when you cheat on her.
当你欺骗她时 你会觉得自己很蠢 When you cheat on her and you just feel like shit.
所以 如果我彻底爱一个人 So to fully know I love someone,
我得骗她们？ I have to cheat on them?
大声点 听起来很愚蠢 Out loud, it sounds stupid.
嗯 这是 糟糕的建议 Eh, it's Yeah, that's terrible advice.
爱 Love
爱并不容易 Love isn't easy.
所以被称之为爱 That's why they call it love.
我也不太明白 I don't really get that either.
我知道 我以为我会说些什么 I know. I thought I could just start saying something,
会触动聪明的神经 and something smart would come out.
你看到泰利了吗？ Hey, did you see Terry?
我今天早上听到他离开了 Yeah, I heard him leave this morning.
我要去便利店 你要带什么吗？ I'm going to Subbies. You want anything?
不 我不用 谢谢 Nah, I'm good. Thank you.
你不想要热狗吗？ You don't want a hot dog or nothin'?
伙计 现在是八点半 Dude, it's 8:30 in the morning.
好吧 不要热狗 Okay. No hot dog.
嘿 Oh, hi.
请进吧 Oh, yeah, you can go right in.
我们刚和卡蒂嘉的父母谈过 We just spoke to Khadija's parents.
- 你们来干什么？ - 你有什么毛病 库米？ - What are you doing here? - What is wrong with you, Kumi?
我没有毛病 对不起 Nothing is wrong with me. I'm sorry.
对不起？这就是你要说的？ Sorry? That's all you have to say?
好吧 我 我没那么中意她 Okay, I I don't I wasn't that into her.
- 中意她？ - 是的 - - Into her? - Yeah.
你知道这有多难吗？ Do you know how difficult it is
把她约出来？ to get an appointment with her?
她要求很高的 She's in very high demand.
- 是的 所以？ - 所以？ - Okay, so? - So?
我们能不能改天再谈？我 Can we please talk about this another time? I I
不 库米 我们现在就得谈 No, no, Kumi. We will talk about this now.
我们为你牺牲了一切 We have sacrificed everything for you.
我知道的 对吧？ I know. Okay?
我们离开了 我们的大家庭 We have left our family.
我们离开了家园 We have left our home.
我错过了我妹妹女儿的出生 I have missed the birth of my sister's daughter.
我已经15年没有见过我的母亲了 I have not seen my mother for 15 years.
你的父亲 他不得不再次去研究生院 Your father, he had to do his graduate school again.
他不得不 再次参加考试 He had to give exams again.
我已经50多岁了 I was in my mid-50s.
年轻人都是20多岁 他们过去常叫我时光老人 They were in 20s. They used to call me Father Time.
好吧 好吧 我懂 Okay, okay. I know that.
我真的很感激你们为我做的一切 And I I really appreciate everything you did for me.
但我们能不能改天再谈？ But can we talk about this another time?
库米 如果你不想当律师 很好 Kumi, if you don't want to be a lawyer, fine.
如果你想做脱口秀喜剧 If you want to do the stand-up comedy
让我们家庭难堪 那好 and embarrass us as a family, fine.
只有一件事 There is only one thing
我们曾经对你要求过 库米 that we have ever asked for you, Kumi,
你是个好穆斯林 that you be a good Muslim
你应娶巴基斯坦女孩 and you marry a Pakistani girl!
就是这样 只此一事 That is it! One thing!
我能问你点事吗？ Can I ask you something?
对我来说没有意义的事 Something that has never made sense to me.
既然你们不想美国人参与 Why did you bring me here if you wanted me
何必带我来美国？ to not have an American life?
我们来到这里 但我们假装还在国内 We come here, but we pretend like we're still back there.
太蠢了 That's so stupid.
你不可以对你妈那样说话 Don't you talk to your mother like that.
你们不在乎我的想法 You don't care what I think.
你只是想让我遵守规则 You just want me to follow the rules.
但这些规则对我来说 没有意义 But the r the rules don't make sense to me.
我不祈祷 I don't pray.
我不 I don't.
我好多年没祈祷了 I haven't prayed in years.
我只是去楼下 I just go down there,
玩电子游戏而已 and I play video games.
你不相信真主吗？ You don't believe in Allah?
我不知道我相信什么 爸爸 I don't know what I believe, Dad.
我不知道 I don't know.
我不能娶你们指定的人 And I can't marry someone you find for me.
为什么不呢？ And why not?
因为我爱上了一个人 Because I am in love with someone.
真的 I am.
她的名宇是艾米丽 Her name is Emily.
她会成为一个治疗师 And she's gonna be a therapist.
现在她病得很重 And right now she's very sick.
但我不能告诉你 But I couldn't tell you that.
这让我很伤心 我不能告诉你任何情况 It makes me so sad that I couldn't tell you any of that.
我真的很感激你们为我所做的一切 I really appreciate everything you've done for me.
我真的 真的 我真的感激 I truly, truly, truly do. I really do.
我知道伊斯兰教很有好处 And I know Islam has been really good for you,
它让你成为好人 and it has made you good people.
但我不知道我相信什么 But I don't know what I believe.
我只需要自己想办法 I just need to figure it out on my own.
你不是我儿子 You're not my son.
库米尔 你太自私了 Kumail. You're being selfish,
你没考虑我们 you're not thinking about us.
事实上 你没有考虑过卡蒂嘉 You're not thinking about Khadija, in fact,
你根本都没有考虑过 you're not even thinking about
你爱的那个女孩 that girl you are in love with.
你认为美国梦只是为自己 You think American dream is doing just about
而不用考虑别人？ whatever you want and not thinking about other people?
你错了 You're wrong!
你错了 You are wrong!
请原谅我们 Excuse us, please.
抱歉 Sorry.
你怎么回事 伙计？ What's wrong with you, man?
- 嘿 克里斯 - 嘿 - CHRIS Hey. - Hey.
我还没去商店 I, uh, never went to the store.
我只是在门外听 I was just listening at the door.
我妈把我赶出去了 因为我16岁卖大麻 Hey My mom kicked me out for dealing weed at 16,
我很懂 伙计 so I get it, man.
- 嘿 - 嘿 嗯 所以 - Hey. - Hey, um, so,
我们什么时候才能和贝丝谈这件事 wh when are we gonna talk to Beth about this thing
- 我们谈过的那件？ - 我们 我们 - that we talked about? - We we we
我们要搬动她 We're gonna move her,
就这么办 is what we're gonna do.
什么？ What?
- 什么？我们要把她搬走 - 你 - What? We're gonna move her. - What you
你在说什么？ What are you talking about?
你他妈屈服了？ You fucking caved?
- 我没有屈服 - 你他妈屈服了？ - I didn't cave. - You fucking caved?
- 我没有屈服 - 好吧 - I don't cave, okay? - Okay, okay, okay, okay.
我知道你没有屈服 I know you don't, you don't cave, you don't cave,
你很棒 you're great.
但是我们昨晚谈过的 But we talked about this last night,
- 我们决定了 - 我知道 - and we decided - I know. I know.
这不是个好事情 that it wasn't gonna be a good
- 我们要把她搬出去 - 不 什么 - We're moving her. - No. What?
- 是的 - 我告诉你为什么 - Yeah. - I I told you what
- 我说了护士的话 - 她说得对 - the nurse said. - She's right.
贝丝 护士说搬动艾米丽 Hey, Beth, um, the nurse told me that moving Emily
可能是个坏主意 could be a very bad idea.
西北医院说很好 Well, Northwestern told us it could be very good.
他们没看到她 护士看到过她 Well, they don't see her, this nurse sees her,
她亲自告诉我的 and she told me herself. She said
没关系 库米尔 他们不需要见她的 That's okay, Kumail, they don't need to see her.
不 这样不好 No, it's not okay! There.
- 但这 - 我明白了 - That's - I got it.
那是车库地图 That's a map of the garage.
不要 Don't
等等 Wait, wait, wait.
你负责吗？ You want to be responsible?
嗯？ Huh?
她可能会死 She could die!
库米尔 Kumail,
不管发生什么 我们都要对她负责 we're responsible for her no matter what.
我们是她的父母 We're her parents.
对不起 我们要把她搬出去 Now, I'm sorry, we're moving her.
欢迎光临热的快 Welcome to Quick 'n Hot.
需要点单吗？ Can I take your order, please?
能给我－份四片芝士汉堡吗？ Yeah, um, can I get a burger with four slices of cheese?
四个汉堡还有什么吗 先生？ Four burgers. Anything else, sir?
不 一个汉堡配四片 芝士 No, one burger with four slices of cheese.
一个汉堡四片 One burger with four slice
对不起 我们不能 I'm sorry, we can't do that.
放四片芝士 在汉堡上 Just put four slices of cheese on a burger.
我们不能 没有按钮 We can't do that. There's no button
他妈的 “我们” 是谁？ Who the fuck is this "we," man?
谁他妈“我们”是谁？是我和你 Who the fuck is this "we"? It's me and you!
我们都是普通人 他妈的听我说 We're just people! Fucking listen to me!
去他的企业实体 Fuck this corporate entity!
放四片芝士在该死的汉堡上 Put four slices of cheese on the fucking burger!
- 我们不能 - 搞你妹？ - We can't do that. - What the fuck?
你这个白痴 嘿 You fucking idiot! Hey!
嘿 看着我 看着我 Hey, look at me, look at me.
因为我是人 你是人 看着我 'Cause I'm a human being, you are a human being. Look at me!
你胡搞的时候 看着我的眼睛 Look me in the eyes when you fuck me!
看着我 拜托 Look at me! Please!
今天是我的第一天 Today's my first day.
操你妈 Fuck you!
我给你叫四个汉堡 I'll just ring you up for four burgers.
对不起 I'm sorry.
你需要薯条还是饮料？ Do you want any fries or drink with that?
我要四包炸薯条 I'll take four fries.
对不起 I'm sorry.
操 Fuck!
你的生活很戏剧性 your life dramatically.
我就开始写日记了 Um, so then I started keeping this journal.
日记就像 你知道的 And the journal is, like, you know,
过度补偿 试图表现得像 me overcompensating and trying to act like
我活得很酷很自在 I'm living this, like, cool, rock-and-roll lifestyle.
事实上 我三年级的时候 When, in reality, I'm in third grade,
一直在哭 crying all the time.
嘿 伙计 蒙特利尔决赛 你准备好了吗？ Hey, man, Montreal Finals. You ready?
等等 你会不会忧郁且喜怒无常 Oh, wait, are you getting all, like, dark and moody
在你演出前？ before your set?
对 像惩罚淘气包一样惩罚自己 Yeah, punish yourself like a nasty, little baby.
好吧 我没心情 拜托 克里斯？ Okay, okay, I am not in the mood, okay, Chris?
我会让你心情舒畅的 I'll get you in the mood.
- 你没事吧？ - 我会让你心情舒畅的 - You all right? - I'll get you all in the mood!
为什么大家都说同样的话？ Why is everybody saying the same fucking thing?
- 我决定 - 伙计 你没事吧？ - Yeah, I decide - Dude, are you all right?
我很好 Yeah, I'm doing great.
好吧 伙计 我看看你 Okay, all right, dude, I'm just checking on you.
类似的东西有 It would have stuff, like, you know, like,
一体式洗衣烘干机 an in-unit washer and dryer
你他妈怎么了？ The fuck have you been, man?
- 你下一个上场 - 好的 好的 - You're on next. - Okay, okay.
谢谢 伙计们 我爱你 Thank you, guys. I love you.
你好？ Hello?
库米尔 是你吗？ Kumail, is that you?
- 是的 - 我是泰利 - Yeah. - It's Terry.
听着 我们不能动她 Uh, listen, we're not moving her.
医生 他们说 The doctor, they said
你们听说过一种 Have you guys heard of this
叫做奶酪的鸡尾酒新药吗？ new drug cocktail called cheese?
仅仅是名宇叫做奶酷 Like, that's the name of it, it's called cheese.
我看了所有的新闻 就像是 Um I saw all these news reports, and they were like,
有一种新药 叫做奶酪 "There's a new drug, it's called cheese.
中西部每个人都服用 "Everyone's doing it in the Midwest.
孩子们也是 "Kids are doing it."
真的很难演脱口秀 It's just really hard to do stand-up comedy
当你女朋友昏迷时 when your girlfriend is in a coma.
嗯 Uh
不太清楚你们会笑什么 Not quite sure what part you were laughing at.
他们说她在抗争 但她看起来不像 They say she's fighting, but she doesn't look like
她在抗争 看起来 she's fighting, she looks like she's just
她看起来只是躺在那里 She looks like she's just laying there.
我对她说了些难听的话 I said horrible things to her, and, um,
我对她说了难听的话 我伤害了她 I said horrible things to her, I h I hurt her.
嗯 Um
她喜欢鸟 She loves birds.
她每次看到鸟就会兴奋 Like, she gets excited every time she sees a bird.
就像 She's like,
“看啊 一只鸟” "Look at this, it's a bird."
我总是说 是啊 他们到处都是 I'm always like, "Yeah, they're all over the place.
因为他们是鸟 "They're birds."
但她 But she, like
她喜欢那只鸟 你知道吗？ She likes that bird, you know?
她喜欢看到的 每只鸟 Every bird she sees, she sees it.
她爸爸刚打来电话 Her dad just called
他们不能转院 and said that they can't transfer her
因为感染已经到达她的 心脏 because the infection has reached her heart.
嗯 Uh
那 Which
意味着她 Which means she
也就是说她可能会死 Which means she could die.
我不知道你是否能听到我 但是 I don't know if you can hear me or not, but
如果你能挺过去的话 it would be really good if you pulled through.
如果你必须走 放心走 但是 If you have to go, you can go, but
你留下来更好 It would be really great if you stayed.
嗯 Uh
我对我所做的事很抱歉 不是吗 And I'm really sorry for what I did, okay?
辛格医生 请到药房 Dr. Singh, to the pharmacy.
妈妈 Mom.
你的泪水在我身上到处都是 You're getting your tears all over me.
我什么时候能感觉到我的脸？ When am I gonna be able to feel my face?
嗯 Hmm.
你吓到我们了 童子军 Hey, you gave us quite a scare there, scout.
- 真的 - 童子军？ - Really. - Scout?
得了 我一直这么叫你 Come on, I call you that all the time.
没有 从来没有 No, not since
- 从我长大后 - 我一直叫的 - I was a grown-up. - Yes, I do.
我叫了你一辈子 I've been calling you that my whole life.
哦 哦 哦 Oh, oh, oh, oh!
哦 Oh.
- 对不起 亲爱的 - 发生什么事了？ - Sorry, hon. - What's happening?
- 你没事吧？ - 那什么玩意？ - You okay? You all right? - What is that crap?
我们得把流质变稠一点 We have to thicken your liquids for a bit.
你的食道还不能吞咽 Your esophagus isn't strong enough to swallow yet.
那玩惫尝起来像是精子 That shit tastes like semen.
这句很好 That's nice
- 父亲听到的话 - 她没有 - for a father to hear. - She won't have
任何社会禁忌 any social inhibitions until the
直到麻醉解除 The anesthetic wears off.
说真的妈妈 你该尝尝 Seriously, Mom, you should try this.
- 等一下 亲爱的 - 别这么说 - No, wait a minute, honey. - Stop saying that.
- 不要杯子 - 拜托 - Not the cup. - Oh, come on,
拜托 拜托 come on, come on.
他们会收48美元 不用担心 They'll charge us $48 for it, don't worry about it.
你为什么在这里？ Why are you here?
我好久没听到她的声音了 I I haven't heard her voice in a while.
他一直都在这里 He's been He's been here the whole time.
你们两个外面借一步吗？ Could I speak with you both outside?
好的 Yeah.
- 我们马上回来 - 好的 我们马上到外面去 - We'll be right back. - Yeah, we'll be right outside.
- 好的 All right.
嘿 Hey.
艾米丽患有罕见的 Emily has a rare condition
成人型类风湿病 called adult-onset Still's disease.
库米尔 提到艾米丽受伤的脚跟 Kumail mentioned Emily's hurt ankle,
肿胀仍未消退 and the swelling still hadn't gone down
即使在床上躺了几天 even after several days in bed,
- 这很奇怪 - 嗯 - which is strange. - Mmm.
类风湿病是一种机体认为健康组织 Still's disease is when the body thinks healthy tissue
患有感染 所以机体试图对抗感染体 is an infection, so it tries to fight it.
- 嗯 - 类似的巨大 - Uh-huh. - It's like a big
的生物误解 biological misunderstanding.
- 是的 - 所以 - Yeah, yeah. - So,
我们给她消炎 we gave her anti-inflammatories,
她几小时内就稳定下来了 and she stabilized within hours.
她要花点时间来恢复 She's gonna take time to recover,
但她会没事的 but she'll be fine.
- 喔 - 完全恢复 - Wow. - Full recovery.
你在这里干什么？ What are you doing here?
我在大厅里拜访某人 I was visiting someone down the hall,
我顺路而已 and I was, like, I'll just pop in
- 向艾米丽问好 - 哦 - and say hi to Emily. - Oh.
我在开玩笑 我是来找你的 No, I'm joking. I'm here for you.
你是个混蛋 我不喜欢你 You're an asshole, and I don't like you.
我不是混蛋 我真的不是 I'm not an asshole. I'm really not.
不 你是个混蛋 Oh, no, you're an asshole.
你服了很多药物 You have a lot of drugs in you,
所以你思维不太清晰 so you're, like, not thinking as clearly.
不 伙计 我没开玩笑 No, dawg, I'm not joking.
你对我一点都不好笑 You're not funny to me.
你让我很伤心 You just make me sad.
你让我内心感到悲伤 You make me sad inside of my heart,
看着你让我很伤心 and it makes me sad to look at you.
所以我想你该走了 So, I think you should probably go.
快去告诉我妈妈 我要她 Just go, and tell my mom I want her.
请你去找我妈妈好吗？ Will you please get my mom?
- 我很抱歉 - 好的 很好 - I'm so sorry about that. - Yeah, it's fine. Yeah.
艾米丽想见你 Um, Emily wants to see you.
哦 Oh.
嗯 我要走了 Um, I'm gonna head out.
我不该继续呆着 I don't think I should be here.
库米尔 事情是这样的 Ah, Kumail, here's the thing.
你的生活状况 Your living condition, it's, uh
有潜在的健康风险 It's a potential health risk.
你也没那么好笑 And you're not that funny.
但你可能也不适合做其他事 But you're probably not suited to do anything else either,
那就麻烦了 so that's troublesome.
听起来你像要 You really made it sound like you were gonna
说点积极的话 say something positive there.
我想是的 Yeah, I guess I did, didn't I?
嗯 你知道 Well, you know
你知道我有美德 You know I know the good stuff.
我有美德 I know the good stuff.
我不知道 所以你懂的 I don't know, so you know
你知道我的感受 我要 You know how I feel. I got to
- 我得进去 - 是的 - I got to get in. - Yeah.
我错过了什么？ What'd I miss? What'd I miss?
烤奶酪浇冰淇淋 Brick on top of the grilled cheese and
嗯 Yeah.
是的 我想要 Yeah, I want that.
- 马上回来 - 培根或其他 - Be right back. - Bacon or something
- 嘿 - 嘿 - Hey. - Hey.
你要在芝加哥待一阵子？ So you're gonna hang around Chicago for a while?
是的 Yeah.
- 她要理疗 - 哦 - She's got physical therapy. - Oh.
你有没有想过你会很兴奋 Did you ever think you'd be excited
让你的女儿去接受理疗？ to have your daughter go through physical therapy?
如此奇怪 我们一起 It's so strange that we could go through
经历了生活中 one of the most intense experiences
最强烈的经历 of our lives together and just
所以别再见面了 Just never see each other again.
也许 Maybe.
但我希望不会 But I hope not.
向你扔了一只鸟 然后跑开了 threw a bird at you, and then ran away,
然后你就说 妈的 and you're like, "Oh, crap!
我现在有一只鸟 "I own a bird now!"
嘿 悲衰的小人 Hi, little sad man.
郁闷的男孩 Mopey boy.
嘿 Hey.
我们有事要告诉你 We have something to tell you.
告诉他 Yes. Tell him.
- 我们要去纽约 - 纽约 - We're moving to New York. - New York.
- 什么？ - 嗯 - What? - Mm-hmm.
我们希望你和我们一起去 And we want you to come with us.
真的吗？ Are you serious?
必须的 开始会很糟 You got to do it. It's gonna suck at first,
但我们会在一起 but we're gonna have each other,
也许拿报酬写笑话 and maybe we'll eventually get paid to write jokes.
嗯 这样最好 Mm-hmm. It's gonna be the best.
来吧 伙计 Come on, dude.
你一定要来 You have to come.
我知道你没有去蒙特利尔 I know you did not get Montreal,
只是因为 and that is only because
你那次表演有史以来最差劲 you did one of the worst sets I've ever seen
于我一辈子 in my goddamn life.
- 是的 - 完全是一派胡言 - Yeah. - It was nonsense.
活生生的耻辱 A living disgrace.
我会称之为狗屎 但我会担心 I would call it shit, but I would be worried
我是不是侮辱了 “狗屎” 二宇 that I'd be insulting actual shit.
对我来说大冷了 Yeah, it was so bone-chilling to me,
我以为有鬼从我身边经过 I thought a ghost had passed right through me.
我们不必再继续 We don't have to keep going over
讨伐这次表演了 how bad the set was.
我看到他们的表情 I saw their faces
还有他们没有发出的呱噪 and the noises they didn't make.
我觉得我死了一枚卵子 I felt one of my eggs die.
不是每个月都这样吗？ Doesn't that happen, like, every month?
每个月都有 库米尔 It happens every month, Kumail,
但不是每次都能感觉到它的离开 but I don't always feel it and go
是你让我这样的 And that's what you made me do.
- 是的 - 我 - Yeah. - I
我把东西收拾好 我要搬去纽约 I'm packing my things up, and I'm moving to New York,
你猜怎么着 宝贝 你要跟我走 and guess what, baby. You're coming with me.
克里斯呢？ What about Chris?
你们见过鸽子 Have you ever seen a pigeon
打招呼吗？ try and pick up another pigeon?
他会没事的 He will be fine.
车里没有足够的空间 可能 There's not enough room in the car, probably.
我们一周后出发 好吧？ We leave in a week. All right?
我已经叫了搭车 芝加哥到匹兹堡 And I already called shotgun, Chicago to Pittsburgh.
别搞砸了 Do not fuck this up.
你的命运在等待 Your destiny awaits.
这将是你人生中最大的一步 This'll be the biggest move of your life,
比跨出巴基斯坦还大 other than the one from Pakistan.
对 Yeah.
我没有任何顿悟 I didn't have any kind of epiphany or anything
嘿 碰杯 碰杯 Hey, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink.
叮叮当 嘿 各位 谢谢赏光 Hey, everybody. Thank you for, uh, for coming.
我只想说几句 呃 I just want to say a couple, uh
几句话 A couple of words here.
妈妈 为什么库米尔在这里？ Mom, why is Kumail here?
因为他一直在那里 'Cause he was there the whole time, you know.
我邀请了护士 我邀请了他 I invited the nurses, I invited him.
以及 呃 And, um, for
艾米丽快上来 Emily, come on up, come on up here.
我想说点什么 I want to say something.
- 我想说点什么 - 爸爸 - I want to say something. - Dad.
对你们说 Talk amongst yourselves.
这可能需要 This might take a
艾米丽今天早上成功地剥了一个橘子 Emily successfully peeled an orange this morning.
- 爸爸 - 嗯 - Dad! - Yeah.
那是 橘儿 （巴黎女歌手） It was It was a clementine.
完全剥开 一个橘子 Full disclosure, a clementine.
就是那些小型的 It's those little ones that, you know,
一只小猴就能剥开的那种 a baby monkey could peel it.
但是她做到了 But, uh, but she did it.
我的话完了 And And, yeah, so that's all. We just
谢谢诸位 Thank you, everybody. Hey
你好 Hi.
我喜欢你的手杖 I like your cane.
- 我听说拉皮条不容易 - 正解 - I heard pimpin' ain't easy. - Right.
我们能谈－下吗？ Hey, could we talk for a second?
当然 Sure.
我收集了一些东西 So I've been collecting some things, uh,
对我来说很重要 that are important to me,
我想让你看看 and I wanted to show them to you.
我把这称为我的挚爱之包 I call this my bag of devotion.
这是 所有的访客通行证 Uh, so this is, uh, all the visitor passes
当我去医院着你的时候 from when I visited you when you were in the
嗯 um
这些是门票 So these are the tickets
来自你父母看我表演的时候 from when your parents came to see me perform,
我意识到他们有多棒 and, uh, I I realized how great they are,
你有多伟大 and how great you are,
伟大的诚实 and how great honesty is.
你做了什么？ What did you do?
你火葬了某人吗？ Did you cremate someone?
这些是所有巴基斯坦女人的骨灰 These are the ashes of all the Pakistani women
不是人 Not the women
是巴基斯坦女人的照片 The pictures of the Pakistani women.
我觉得这是个好主意 感觉有点 I thought this was a good idea, and it feels kind of
感觉有点笨 It feels a little stupid.
我知道我是一个糟糕的男朋友 I know I was a terrible boyfriend,
但我变了 but I have changed.
我就是你需要的那个人 And I am the person you need me to be.
我真的是 I really am.
所以 So
覆水能收吗？ Will you take me back?
库米尔 我真的很高兴你 Kumail, I'm really glad that you
经历过这种体验 went through this experience,
但你要明白 but you have to understand that
这一切都发生在我睡着的时候 that all happened when I was asleep.
你几周前是另一种感觉 Like, you felt one way a few weeks ago,
而你现在却说 感觉相反 and now you're saying you feel the total opposite way,
问题唯一改变的就是 and the only thing that's changed
是我昏迷了 is that I was in a coma.
老实说我 Honestly, I I
我看着这一切 我想 I look at all of this, and I just think,
我不能再来一次 you know, I just can't do it again.
- 我不能 - 我 - And I can't - I
我不能成为你不组建家庭的原因 I can't be the reason that you don't have a family.
现在的感觉完全不同了 It just feels totally different now.
我不能再和你恋爱 And I can't do that again.
你明白吗？ Do you understand?
- 是的 - 明白吗 - Okay. - Okay?
明白了 Okay.
抱歉 Sorry.
妈妈 Ma.
爸爸 Dad.
法蒂玛 巴依 大家好？ Fatima. Bhai. Kya haal hai?
没有盘子 Oh, there's no plate.
哦 Oh.
我忘了 我决定 Oh, I forgot, um, I've decided
我不会让你赶我走 I won't let you kick me out of the family.
既然我是家庭成员 Since I'm a member of the family,
我可以对是否开除我一事 it would stand to reason that I would get a vote
进行投票 in whether or not I get kicked out,
投票必须是一致 and that vote would have to be unanimous,
标准议事程序 standard parliamentary procedure.
不赞成踢走库米尔的人 So, all those in favor of not kicking Kumail
家庭成员 请举手 out of the family, raise your hand.
好极了 将库米尔赶出家庭的动议被驳回 Great. Motion to kick Kumail out of the family denied.
这样 你们就可以跟我说话了 So, you guys can just talk to me.
好吧 既然你们对我置之不理 Okay, you're giving me the silent treatment.
我想接下来 I figured that was what was gonna happen.
我有个办法 I have a solution.
“嘿 你好吗？” So, "Hi, how are you?"
基本用语 That's just a real basic one. You know.
“把盐递给我” 很实用 "Pass the salt." Practical.
“总是与喜剧有关” "Always with the comedy."
“妈妈 特地为你做的” Mom, made that one specially for you.
“库米尔 你怎么” "Kumail, how did you become so much more handsome
“比纳维德帅那么多？” "than your brother NAVEED?"
废话 Bullshit.
我承认 我是来 I admit, this one is designed
挑起争议的 to stir up some controversy.
“很有趣 你不能真正” "It's interesting how you can't really
“把某人踢出你的家庭 因为” "kick someone out of your family because
“他们将永远是你的家人” "they will always be your family."
我同意这一点 写的不错 I agree with that one. That's a good one.
我把这些都留给你们 So, I'm gonna leave these here for you.
对不起 我骗了那些姑娘 I am sorry I lied about the girls
还有法学院考试 and the LSAT and all of that.
都错了 That was wrong.
还有一件事 And one more thing.
我要搬到纽约去追求自立 I'm moving to New York to pursue stand-up,
但我不会离开这个家 but I am not leaving this family.
我父母想让我接受包办结婚 My parents, um, they want me to get arrange married.
巴基斯坦称之为浪漫 Or, as it's, uh, called in Pakistan, romance!
今天早些时候 And earlier today,
我告诉他们－切 我告诉他们 I told them everything. I told them
我的生活 我说了艾米丽 about my life, I told them about Emily.
他们把我赶出了家门 They kicked me out of the family.
我可能再也不能跟他们说话了 I may never talk to them again.
就这样 So, that happened.
- 干嘛呢？ - 我能进来吗？ - What is it? - Can I come in?
好的 Okay.
我发誓 I swear, you and Dad
你和你爸就像我大一的室友 are just like my freshman year roommate,
除了不搞男人 but instead of just, like, boning random dudes,
你们到处为人父母 you're just parenting all the time.
到处都是 在房子的每一个房间 All over the place. In every room of the house.
包括我旁边 Including right next to me.
我们得走了 We got to go.
回家？ Home?
- 不 - 是的 - No. - Yeah.
是时候了 It's time.
我还没准备好 I'm not ready.
你知道吗？ Yeah, you know what?
你很坚强 You're strong.
真的 And you are.
我们会去清真寺 听取1400年前 And we would go to the mosque and hear graphic details
宗教人士被杀的细节 of religious people being killed 1,400 years ago.
我是说 昆汀·塔伦蒂诺式的细节 I mean, like, Tarantino-esque details.
每个人都会哭 And everyone would be crying,
就像比谁会哭的最惨 like, competing to see who could cry the hardest.
我永远不会哭 And I could never cry.
我想 我有什么毛病？ And I was like, what is wrong with me?
我受伤了？ Am I broken?
我唯一一次哭得很惨 The only time I've cried that much
是在前15分钟 is during the first 15 minutes of Up.
这是一张我和我母亲的照片 This is a picture of me and my mother.
我七岁了 I'm seven years old.
你知道人们 他们谈论纽约洪水 You know people, they talk about the the New York water.
我想芝加哥的洪水被低估了 Chicago water is very underrated, I think.
很好 It's good.
嘿 伙计们 Hey, guys.
我想我出去一下 I think I might just pop out for a bit.
什么 你一个人？ What, by yourself?
是的 就去街区转转 Yeah, just hop around the block.
也许去喝点冰冻酸奶 Maybe get some frozen yogurt.
你没事吧？你能行吗？ You okay? Can you do it?
你能自己走吗？ Can you walk by yourself?
- 可以 爸爸 - 好吧 - Yeah, Dad. - All right.
玩得愉快 Have fun.
如果你感觉到不舒服 打电话 If you feel a coma coming on, call us.
- 爸爸 有那么快吗 - 好吧 - Dad, it's too soon. - Right.
我爱你 明早见 I love you, I'll see you in the morning.
- 爱你 - 再见 - Love you. - Bye.
好的 爱你 再见 Okay. Love you. Bye.
- 玩得愉快 - 我会的 - Have fun. - I will.
- 有电话吗？- 是的 - Got your phone? - Yep.
但你喜欢？ But you liked it, huh?
我的意思是 Yeah. I mean
耶 Yeah.
我的意思是 I mean
- 嘿 - 你好 - Hey. - Hi.
- 你在这里干什么？ - 嗯 - What are you doing here? - Uh
我在附近 I was in the neighborhood,
我估计你可能在这里 and I saw that you were gonna be here,
所以 我想打个招呼 so I thought I'd come say hi.
你看起来很棒 You look great.
你的血氧水平如何？ How's your blood oxygen level?
在水平之内 Oh, well within range.
很好 Nice.
我的兄弟纳维德 Um, this is my brother, NAVEED.
- 你好 - 嘿 我是艾米丽 - Hi. Hi. - Hi. I'm Emily.
我听说过很多你的事 I've heard lots about you.
很高兴终于见到你了 It's so good to finally meet you.
是的 Yeah.
其实我有件事想告诉你 There's actually something I wanted to, uh, tell you.
好吧 我要出去下 Okay, well, I'm gonna just
- 再见了 - 再见 - Good-bye. - Bye.
再见 巴依 See you, Bhai.
你够暖和吗？ Are you warm enough?
是的 我穿了两双袜子 Yeah, yeah. I got my two pairs of socks on.
你介意吗？ Do you mind?
不 No.
我很高兴明天要回家了 I'm glad we're going home tomorrow.
我也是 Me, too.
我应该刷牙的 See? I should've brushed my teeth.
我喜欢 I like it.
当事情发生的时候 When something like this happens,
有－种期待 there's this sort of expectation
你会过上 that you're gonna have this completely,
全新的生活 like, new lease on life, and
感觉完全不同 feel totally different about everything,
就像珍惜每一个日出 and, like, cherish every sunrise,
最重要的是 and, like, for the most part,
我只是觉得 我不能这么早起床 I just feel like, ugh, I can't get up that early.
你知道？ You know?
对不起 我觉得 I'm sorry, I feel like
我一直在说自己 I've been talking about myself so much.
不 No.
你演了很多脱口秀吗？ Are you doing a lot of stand-up?
- 你 - 对 我 - Are you - Yeah. I, uh,
轰炸了我的蒙特利尔喜剧节试演 bombed my Montreal Comedy Festival audition.
很恐怖 像 Like, horrifically, like
我看了录像 I saw the video.
是吗 Yeah.
- 这不太好 - 不 - It wasn't great. - No No.
我跟你说实话 真的不太好 I'll be honest with you, it wasn't great.
不 我知道 No. I know.
但有很多我喜欢的 像是我喜欢的东西 But there was a lot I liked. Like a like a lot I liked.
我要搬去纽约 I'm moving to New York.
真的？ Really?
是的 Yeah, um
玛丽 CJ 和我 Mary and CJ and I are, like
只需开车离开 地方都准备好了 Just gonna drive out, and we have a place all ready, and
- 你什么时候离开？ - 下个周末 - When do you leave? - Next weekend.
我真为你高兴 太棒了 I I'm so excited for you. That is so great.
你只要 Like, you are going to just
在纽约更好 do so great in New York.
你想说什么？ What were you gonna say?
什么？ What?
你说你要跟我说些什么 You said you were gonna say something to me.
是什么？ What was it?
呃 我只是 嗯 我想谢谢你 Oh, just that I, um, I wanted to thank you.
我父母告诉我 Uh, my parents told me
你为我做的一切 everything that you did for me,
我觉得我们最后－次谈话 and I feel like the last time we spoke,
我没有好好谢谢你 所以 I didn't properly thank you, so
嗯 是的 Oh. Yeah.
完全没问题 Totally fine.
也许我该走了 I should probably go.
- 你想叫优步吗？ - 不 实际上 我走路 - Do you want to call an Uber? - No, I'm gonna walk, actually.
所以 这真是太棒了 So, this has been really great.
好吧 All right.
- 好的 再见 - 嗯 - Okay, bye. - Yeah.
你们不在了 The scene is gonna be, like,
场子不一样了 so different with you guys gone.
你也应该出来 Well, you should come out.
不 我很好 No, I'm I'm good here.
- 我会想你的 - 我会想你的 - I'm gonna miss you. - I'm gonna miss you.
走吧 你们这些混蛋 Get out of here, you assholes.
好吧 All right.
过来 你这个大笨蛋 Come here, you big dummy.
- 再见 - 我会想你的 - Bye. - I'll miss you.
你还是被家庭开除的 You're still kicked out of the family.
但因为我们没有适当的机会 But because we did not get a proper chance
跟你说再见 所以 to say bye to you, so
你妈很生你的气 Your mother is so angry with you.
她不会下车的 She's not going to get out of the car.
她根本不会看你 She's not even going to look at you.
我不相信你居然对你父亲 I don't believe that you kept so much of secret
保守这么多秘密 from me, your father.
抱歉 Sorry.
拿去 Here.
她让我把这个给你 She asked me to give this to you.
新法烤米肉 Mutton biryani.
祝你旅行愉快 For your trip.
你最喜欢的 Your favorite.
她自己做的 特别为你 额外的马铃薯 She made it herself, specially for you, with extra potatoes.
谢谢 妈 Thank you, Ma!
- 她没事吧？ - 现在？ - Is she okay? - Right now?
没事 No.
我会想你的 I'll miss you.
我被禁止拥抱你 所以 I'm forbidden from hugging you, so
很高兴你能成为我的儿子 it was nice to have you as my son.
永别了 Good-bye forever.
帮我个忙 当你到了纽约 And do me a favor, when you reach New York,
告诉我们 你已经安全到达 好吗? just text us and tell us that you've reached safely, okay?
我会的 I will.
爸爸 我能问你点事吗？ Dad, can I ask you something?
你和妈妈第一次约会的时候 When you and Mom went on your first date,
你们看什么电影？ what movie did you see?
七兄弟 Satte Pe Satta.
我们最喜欢的歌 Her favorite song.
你为什么要问？ Why you asking?
我只是好奇 I was just curious.
好吧 Okay.
- 我们走吧 - 我们走 - Let's do it. - Let's do it.
- 好的 - 好吧 - Okay. - All right.
- 再见 伙计 - 我们走 - See you later, dudes. - Let's do it.
- 再见 - 我们会发短信 - See you. - Hey, we'll text.
- 对不起 - 一定要发 - Ooh, sorry. - Yeah, please do.
我第一次来美国的时候 So, the first time I came to America,
我才14岁 I was, like, 14,
我只是去纽约看望我叔叔 and I was just visiting my uncle in New York,
刚好是感恩节 and it just happened to be Thanksgiving.
我在美国的第一天 我叔叔带我 My first day in America, my uncle took me
去梅西百货感恩节大游行 to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.
我以为美国每天都这样 And I was like, "This is every day in America!"
像广告一样 As advertised.
每天 他们都有庆祝加菲猫的聚会 Every day, they have a party celebrating Garfield.
我终于等到了那一天 No day has lived up to that day.
我在骗我父母 I was, uh, lying to my parents,
我告诉他们我要当律师 I was telling them I was gonna be a lawyer.
他们都很失望 And they're very disappointed
他们希望我当医生 'cause they wanted me to be a doctor.
为什么不告诉他们 You guys are like, why didn't you just tell them
你想当医生？ that you wanted to be a doctor?
这就像吹牛 It's a lie anyway, and I'm like,
必须有可信度 well, it has to be believable.
如果我告诉他们 “我想当医生” If I told them "I want to be a doctor,"
他们就会说 “胡说” they'd be like, "Bullshit."
如果我说的是 “律师” 他们会说 “好吧” If I said "lawyer," they're like, "Oh, okay.
那才像话 "That's something."
因为有严格的等级制度 'Cause there's a strict hierarchy.
医生 工程师 律师 It's doctor, engineer, lawyer,
数以百计的工作 hundreds of jobs,
然后是喜剧演员 ISIS, then comedian.
啊 对不起 Ah, I'm sorry.
起哄喜剧演员是非常粗鲁的 It's very rude to heckle comedians.
那不是起哄 Oh, that wasn't a heckle.
我只是想为你点赞 I just kind of whoo-hoo'd for you.
这是个常见的误解 Well, see, that's a common misconception.
起哄不一定是消极的 Heckling doesn't have to be negative.
所以如果我说 “上帝” 你的床功好惊人 So if I was like, "Oh, my God, you're amazing in bed!"
这算 That would be a
起哄吗？ heckle?
现在你获得的笑声比我还多 Yeah, and now you're getting more laughs than me,
我不喜欢这样 and I don't like that.
你想上来干我的活吗？ Do you want to come up, do my job?
让我们来谈谈 Let's talk about
你是从外地来的吗 女士？ So, are you from out of town, ma'am?
- 芝加哥 - 刮风的城市 - Chicago. - Ooh, Windy City.
什么风把你吹来纽约？ And what brings you to New York?
- 来见个人 - 然后 嗯 - Here to see someone. - And, um
你见过他或她吗？我不 Have you seen him? Or her? I mean, I don't
我不知道你的目的 但是 I don't know what your deal is, but
是的 我见过他 Yeah, I've seen him.